A DETAILED ANALYSIS WITH PROVES TO SHOW THAT PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE

INTRODUCTION
This particular topic have been a serious problem in the society, the notion/idea of the connection of patriarchy and socialization have been a popular debate among people. From my little understanding am here to give reasons and proves that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive.

I chose to work with this topic “”A DETAILED ANALYSIS WITH PROVES TO SHOW THAT PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE “” because of the problem of gender inequality, gender segregation, patriarchal and socialization effect in the formation of female/male identity.

I am interested in exploring the representation of women’s and their struggles in a society that is characterized by strict patriarchal edicts/persons or organizations.

For a Broader view and understanding of the topic let look at some definitions of some terms associated with the topic;
PATRIARCHY
SOCIALIZATION (gender socialization )
MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE

DEFINITIONS OF PATRIARCHY
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarchy

Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property. Some patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage.

Patriarchy is associated with a set of ideas, a patriarchal ideology that acts to explain and justify this dominance and attributes it to inherent natural differences between men and women. Sociologists tend to see patriarchy as a social product and not as an outcome of innate differences between the sexes and they focus attention on the way that gender roles in a society affect power differentials between men and women.

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patriarchy

Social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line

Broadly: control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

ACCORDING TO SOME WRITERS
Patriarchy can be defined as “the power of the fathers: a familial-social, ideological, political system in which men—by force, direct pressure, or through ritual, law, language, customs, etiquette, education, and the division of labor, determine what part women shall or shall not play, and in which the female is everywhere subsumed under the male” (Rich, 1986, p. 57).

It further includes titles being traced through the male line. Under patriarchy, male authority and power is “located in and exercised through the extended family, a pre-capitalist unit of production which continues into the present time” (Gordon, 1996, p. 7).

Patriarchy is a system of social stratification and differentiation on the basis of sex which provides material advantages to males while simultaneously placing severe constraints on the roles and activities of females; with various taboos to ensure conformity with specified gender roles.( Olabisi Aina, 1998, p. 6)

Patriarchal culture is institutionalized through a rigorous socialization process in which every member of the community is aware of what duties, responsibilities and roles are expected from them which is perceived as the correct order crucial for family and communal harmony” and it is within this understanding of patriarchy that my paper locates itself. (Wamue-Nagare et al., 2011, p. 14)

ACCORDING TO FEMINIST THEORISTS WRITERS

According to Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarchy
FEMINIST THEORY
Shulamith Firestone, a radical-libertarian feminist, defines patriarchy as a system of oppression of women. Firestone believes that patriarchy is caused by the biological inequalities between women and men, e.g. that women bear children, while men do not. Firestone writes that patriarchal ideologies support the oppression of women and gives as an example the joy of giving birth, which she labels a patriarchal myth. For Firestone, women must gain control over reproduction in order to be free from oppression.[24]

Feminist historian Gerda Lerner believes that male control over women’s sexuality and reproductive functions is a fundamental cause and result of patriarchy.[28] Alison Jaggar also understands patriarchy as the primary cause of women’s oppression. The system of patriarchy accomplishes this by alienating women from their bodies.

Interactive systems theorists Iris Marion Young and Heidi Hartmann believe that patriarchy and capitalism interact together to oppress women. Young, Hartmann, and other socialist and Marxist feminists use the terms patriarchal capitalism or capitalist patriarchy to describe the interactive relationship of capitalism and patriarchy in producing and reproducing the oppression of women.

According to Hartmann, the term patriarchy redirects the focus of oppression from the labour division to a moral and political responsibility liable directly to men as a gender. In its being both systematic and universal, therefore, the concept of patriarchy represents an adaptation of the Marxist concept of class and class struggle.

Jaggar, Young, and Hartmann are among the feminist theorists who argue that the system of patriarchy should be completely overturned, especially the heteropatriarchal family, which they see as a necessary component of female oppression. The family not only serves as a representative of the greater civilization by pushing its own affiliates to change and obey, but performs as a component in the rule of the patriarchal state that rules its inhabitants with the head of the family.

Audre Lorde, an African American feminist writer and theorist, believed that racism and patriarchy were intertwined systems of oppression.

Gerda Lerner, in her 1986 The Creation of Patriarchy, makes a series of arguments about the origins and reproduction of patriarchy as a system of oppression of women, and concludes that patriarchy is socially constructed and seen as natural and invisible.

Sociologist Joan Acker, analyzing the concept of patriarchy and the role that it has played in the development of feminist thought, says that seeing patriarchy as a “universal, trans-historical and trans-cultural phenomenon” where “women were everywhere oppressed by men in more or less the same ways tended toward a biological essentialism.”

Anna Pollart has described use of the term patriarchy as circular and conflating description and explanation. She remarks the discourse on patriarchy creates a “theoretical impasse imposing a structural label on what it is supposed to explain” and therefore impoverishes the possibility of explaining gender inequalities.

DEFINITIONS OF SOCIALIZATION
According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socialization
In sociology, socialization is the process of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society. Socialization encompasses both learning and teaching and is thus “the means by which social and cultural continuity are attained”.
Socialization is strongly connected to developmental psychology. Humans need social experiences to learn their culture and to survive.
Socialization essentially represents the whole process of learning throughout the life course and is a central influence on the behavior, beliefs, and actions of adults as well as of children.[5][6]

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/socialization

The process beginning during childhood by which individuals acquire the values, habits, and attitudes of a society.

Social interaction with others.

According to Cambridge dictionary
https://www.google.com/amp/s/dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/socialization
The process of training people or animals to behave in a way that others in the group think is suitable.

According to oxford learners dictionary
https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/socialization
The process by which somebody, especially a child, learns to behave in a way that is acceptable in their society.

According to some writers

The term “socialization”, as used in this paper, is understood as “the process by which society’s values and norms, including those pertaining to gender, are taught and learned” (Renzetti & Curran, 1989, p.61).

According to Anthony Giddens (2009, p. 288), it is through socialization that the helpless infant gradually becomes a self-aware, knowledgeable person, skilled in the ways of the culture in which he or she was born.

GENDER SOCIALIZATION
Gender socialization is the process through which children learn about the social expectations, attitudes and behaviours typically associated with boys and girls.
AGENTS OF SOCIALIZATION
There are various socializing agent that underpin in the society. There agents include
parents
teachers
peers
media-movies and television music
books
religion

PARENTS
Here, sociologists know that adults perceive and treat female and male infants differently. Traditionally, fathers teach boys how to fix and build things; mothers teach girls how to cook, sew, and keep house clean. Children then receive parental training and they adopt accept cultural or traditional and society roles. Gender roles adopted during childhood normally continue into adulthood. At home, people have certain ideas about decision‐making, child‐rearing practices, financial responsibilities, and so forth. Gender roles are realities in almost everyone’s life.
Gender roles in the past have been deciding factors in the type of work someone can do. For example most women didn’t work and were expected to take care of the family from the home while men farmed or worked in industrial settings.
Society has set a lot of duties for men and women alike and it’s even painful to see that in a children’s textbook, the duties of a wife are “to cook for the family and clean the house.” It’s a huge shame. We need to wake up and stop this nonsense.
Firstly, I will backed it up with 8 QUOTES/ POWERFUL STATEMENTS made by FEMINIST/WRITER CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE in terms of cooking, domestics chores and upbringing.

FIRST BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
From the third suggestion
“”””” There have been recent Nigerian social media debates about women and cooking, about how wives have to cook for husbands. It is funny, in the way that sad things are funny, that we are still talking about cooking as some kind of marriageability test for women. The knowledge of cooking does not come pre-installed in a vagina. Cooking is learned. Cooking – domestic work in general – is a life skill that both men and women should ideally have. It is also a skill that can elude both men and women “””””””””

SECOND BACKUP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
“””” I know a woman who hates domestic work, but she pretends that she likes it, because she has been taught that to be “good wife material,” she has to be—to use that Nigerian word—homely. And then she got married. And her husband’s family began to complain that she had changed. Actually, she had not changed. She just got tired of pretending to be what she was not. The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing how we are. Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations.
Boys and girls are undeniably different biologically, but socialization exaggerates the differences. And then starts a self-fulfilling process. ””””

THIRD BACKUP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
“””””””””“Take cooking, for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do housework than men— cooking and cleaning. But why is that? Is it because women are born with a cooking gene or because over years they have been socialized to see cooking as their role? I was going to say that perhaps women are born with a cooking gene until I remembered that the majority of famous cooks in the world—who are given the fancy title of “chef”—are men. But what matters even more is our attitude, our mind-set. What if, in raising children, we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? I know a family who has a son and a daughter, a year apart in age, both brilliant at school. When the boy is hungry, the parents say to the girl, Go and cook Indomie noodles for your brother. The girl doesn’t like to cook Indomie, but she is a girl and she has to. What if the parents, from the beginning, taught both children to cook Indomie? Cooking, by the way, is a useful and practical life skill for a boy to have—I’ve never thought it made much sense to leave such a crucial thing—the ability to nourish oneself —in the hands of others. “”””””””””””””

FOURTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “”
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
“”””””””” The knowledge of cooking does not come pre-installed in a vagina. Cooking is learned.
Cooking – domestic work in general – is a life skill that both men and women should ideally have. It is also a skill that can elude both men and women. We also need to question the idea of marriage as a prize to women, because that is the basis of these absurd debates. If we stop conditioning women to see marriage as a prize, then we would have fewer debates about a wife needing to cook in order to earn that prize. It is interesting to me how early the world starts to invent gender roles. “””””””””””

FIFTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “”
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
””””” Boys and girls are undeniably different biologically, but socialization exaggerates the differences. And then starts a self-fulfilling process. Take cooking, for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do housework than men—cooking and cleaning. But why is that? Is it because women are born with a cooking gene or because over years they have been socialized to see cooking as their role? I was going to say that perhaps women are born with a cooking gene until I remembered that the majority of famous cooks in the world—who are given the fancy title of “chef”—are men. ”””””

SIXTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
From the first suggestion
””” I have no interest in the debate about women ‘doing it all’ because it is a debate that assumes that care-giving and domestic work are singularly female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and care-giving should be gender-neutral, and we should be asking not whether a woman can ‘do it all’ but how best to support parents in their dual duties at work and at home. ””””

SEVENTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “”“ DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
From the Sixth Suggestion

””””Teach her to ask questions like: what are the things that women cannot do because they are women? Do these things have cultural prestige? If so, why are only men allowed to do the things that have cultural prestige? It is helpful, I think, to use everyday examples. Remember that television commercial we watched in Lagos, where a man cooks and his claps for him? True progress is when she doesn’t clap for him but just reacts to the food itself – she can either praise the food or not praise the food, just as he can praise hers or not praise hers, but what is sexist is that she is praising the fact that he has undertaken the act of cooking, praise that implies that cooking is an inherently female act. ””””””

EIGHTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “”“DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
From the Tenth Suggestion
“”””””””” She can counter ideas about static ‘gender roles’ if she has been empowered by her familiarity with alternatives. If she knows an uncle who cooks well – and does so with indifference – then she can smile and brush off the foolishness of somebody who claims that ‘women must do the cooking. “””””””””

NINTH BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
“””” But what matters even more is our attitude, our mind-set. What if, in raising children, we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? “”””

From the above backup based on the socialization of women with cooking and domestics chores, this should give men a little rethink about cooking and house/domestic chores, which i personally are meant to be shared equally between the two partners. As for me (PATRICKSTORIES) cooking, domestic chores- cleaning sweeping, mopping are supposed to be shared equally. Cooking was never meant for women. Anybody can cook whether male or female.

TEACHERS
Teachers are major contexts for socialization agent/ gender socialization because children spend large amounts of time engaged with teachers in such settings.
Most trait which young boys and girls carry like reading ability, play preferences are influence by most teachers. Teachers can magnify or diminish gender differences by providing environments that promote gender similarity and gender differences. Teachers shape children’s gender attitudes and, in turn, their gender differences, gender recognition and gender behaviour.
In addition, teachers in most schools support gender segregation. Children’s gender segregation, in turn, affects their play experiences, leading them to spend more time in stereotypic play. When many peers are available, children tend to select same-sex playmates.
Furthermore, gender segregation predicts children’s future to gender stereotypes. Study shows that, as the amount of time that children played with same-sex peers increased, children’s own behaviour became more gender stereotypic.
In addition, more work is needed to identify effective means to prevent and minimize gender biased attitudes and behaviour. In conclusion, many of the socialization processes that lead to gender differentiated outcomes, includes gender segregation.

HOW DO TEACHERS CONTRIBUTE TO GENDER DIFFERENCES?
Many educators endorse gender stereotypes (e.g., math is easier for boys than girls) and prejudices (show preferences for same-gender individuals). These biases can be explicit (e.g., consciously endorsed) or implicit (unconsciously held), and they influence teachers’ classroom behaviours.
Teachers’ gender stereotypes and prejudices shape their classroom behaviour in at least three ways.
First, teachers often model gender stereotypic behaviour. Female teachers, for example, often exhibit “math phobic” behaviours.

Second, teachers often exhibit gender differential expectations for males and females (e.g., creating “dress-up” for girls and “construction centers“ for boys thereby facilitating gender difference).

Third, teachers facilitate children’s gender biases by marking gender as important by using it to label and organize students. For example, in an organized display of profession , nurses and fashion designer are for female while engineer and doctors are males

PROBLEMS OF GENDER ROLES/STEREOTYPING UNDERPINNED BY TEACHERS
For me personally the two major problems that facilitate the gender roles in schools which is underpinned by teachers includes:
Different learning opportunities
Gender-Curricular materials

  1. DIFFERENT LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES
    Teachers directly influence gender differentiation by providing boys and girls with different learning opportunities.
  2. GENDER-CURRICULAR MATERIALS
    Teachers present curricular materials that contain gender stereotypic behaviour, and this school children copy and exhibit gender stereotypic attitudes and behavior towards each other. For example in most children’s textbook, the duties of a wife/mother are “to cook for the family and clean the house.” While father /husband are the “head of the house and to provide money for the family.”

HOW TO SOLVE GENDER ROLES/STREOROTYPING UNDERPINNED BY TEACHERS
After much survey and analysis of gender stereotyping underpinned by teacher am able to bring out solutions to counter it;
Teachers should kick against/counter traditional gender stereotypes, biases, and differences.
Educators and teachers should adopt a commitment to gender egalitarianism or equality and thus promote cross-gender interaction.
Teachers should expose pupils to counter-stereotypic behaviours.
Teachers should discuss, teach and challenge gender stereotyping and prejudices/harassment.

Firstly, I will backed it up with a powerful statements made by FEMINIST/WRITER CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE about the gender roles in schools which is been underpinned by teachers.

FIRST BACK UP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””””””” Now here’s a story from my childhood: When I was in primary school in Nsukka, a university town in southeastern Nigeria, my teacher said at the beginning of term that she would give the class a test and whoever got the highest score would be the class monitor. Class monitor was a big deal. If you were class monitor, you would write down the names of noisemakers each day, which was heady enough power on its own, but my teacher would also give you a cane to hold in your hand while you walked around and patrolled the class for noise makers. Of course you were not allowed to actually use the cane. But it was an exciting prospect for the nine-year-old me. I very much wanted to be class monitor. And I got the highest score on the test. Then, to my surprise, my teacher said the monitor had to be a boy. She had forgotten to make that clear earlier; she assumed it was obvious. A boy had the second-highest score on the test. And he would be monitor. What was even more interesting is that this boy was a sweet, gentle soul who had no interest in patrolling the class with a stick. While I was full of ambition to do so. But I was female and he was male and he became class monitor. I have never forgotten that incident. If we do something over and over, it becomes normal. If we see the same thing over and over, it becomes normal. If only boys are made class monitor, then at some point we will all think, even if unconsciously, that the class monitor has to be a boy. If we keep seeing only men as heads of corporations, it starts to seem “natural” that only men should be heads of corporations. “””””””””””””””

CONCLUSIONS
Teacher are important contexts for the socialization of young children’s gender attitudes and behaviour. Unfortunately, teachers receive relatively little training in recognizing and combating gender stereotypes and prejudices and as a consequence, teachers often model, expect, reinforce, and lay the foundation for gender differentiation among their pupils.

PEERS
Peers are also important contexts for the socialization of young children’s gender attitudes and behaviour.

HOW DO PEERS CONTRIBUTE TO GENDER DIFFERENCES?
Like teachers, peers is another agent that contribute to the socialization of gender difference via multiple pathways. Upon entering school, children encounter large numbers of peers, many of them who have being brought up by their parents on the traditional gender behaviour, thereby producing and reinforcing the content of gender stereotypes/norms among themselves.
In addition, in schools when many peers are available, children tend to select same-sex playmates. Children’s gender segregation, in turn, affects their play experiences, leading them to spend more time in stereotypic play.
Peers also contribute to gender differentiation/segregation by teaching their classmates stereotypes (e.g., “Short hair is for boys not girls”) and punishing them for failing to conform to stereotypes via verbal harassment and physical aggression.

MEDIA-( SOCIAL MEDIA,MOVIES,TELEVISION,MUSIC)
Media has assumed a significant role in the nations of the world in that it not only allows extensive networking but also brings nations closer together by easy dissemination of news and opinions.
As with all forms of media, messages perpetrated through media can have good and bad influences on society and youngsters in particular.
Commercials that appear in social networking sites, as with advertisements in all other forms of media, can be a source of gender stereotyping. Women are more often presented in commercials involving cosmetic and domestic products while adverts for men focus on cars, business products or investments.
Another important distinction is that adverts show entire figures of women (objectifying the female body) and close-up shots for men (evoking positive associations and awareness).

I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned about the sexualisation of girls on media (marketing strategy)
Here is a backup to that statement of yours from our own popular Nigeria feminist: CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
Here is an interview with her where she talked about how children diaper has been gendered for females.
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/quartzy/1133732/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-talks-about-feminism-and-raising-her-daughter-in-a-gendered-world/amp/

Here is the question that was asked her about raising a girl child.
LAUREN ALIX BROWN: So in terms of teaching people how to be feminists, has raising a girl changed or challenged any of your suggestions for how to raise a feminist?

CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE: It hasn’t challenged anything, it’s just that it’s made me realize how difficult it is. Because I think I felt that. I’m only just realizing that sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring against me. Because I am trying to push against ideas and norms that are so ingrained that they can start to feel invisible. And it’s little things. I’m just amazed at how everything is gendered—diapers. I mean baby bodies are the same. But now there are diapers where there’s the girl picture. Some months ago we wanted to get the overnight diapers for Baby because she was starting to wake up quite wet. So we wanted to get the diapers marketed as overnight because they absorb more and there’s girls and boys. I remember saying to my husband, who’s a physician, I said, “Do you think maybe the boys’ has a little thing to hold the penis? I mean, why are they different? He had a good laugh and he’s like, “It’s just marketing.” I remember thinking, there has to be a reason for this because it made no sense to me. But there’s no reason for it. Also, I’m just realizing how early the sexualization of girls starts. Four-year-old girls’ dresses. I find many of them disturbing. It’s sort of like four year olds’ now have to be mini women. I’m noticing these things a lot more just because of my child. And children’s books and cartoons. It does sometimes feel that there’s a conspiracy of the universe. But at the same time, I’m utterly undeterred.
It requires pushing back, but I’m going to push back. I want to equip her with the tools. I’m hoping that she grows up to be the girl who sort of mocks these things—who gets it and who mocks them. That’s my hope, that would be ideal for me.

BOOKS
Book is also a major factor that promote gender roles or stereotypes in the society. The last time I check books are made to “expand”, “open” or “broaden” our “minds”, “hearts”, “horizons” or “imaginations”. Sad this days, that many books for children do just the opposite; they peddle or underpin stereotypes, close minds to new experiences and offer limited horizons.
Children are individuals and they are free to choose their own interests, not feel that they’re supposed to like or reject certain things. And anyone who chooses a gift based only on a child’s gender is making some massive, and quite likely wrong assumptions about what that child may like.

I will backed it up with some QUOTE/ powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE in terms of children interest and ability.

FIRST BACKED UP
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI she says in her book:
“””” But what matters even more is our attitude, our mind-set. What if, in raising children, we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? “”””

ANALYSIS OF BOOKS USED FOR CHILDREN
Typical themes for boys in most books include robots, dinosaurs, astronauts, vehicles and football while girls are allowed princesses, fairies, make-up, flowers, butterflies, fashion and cute animals. There’s nothing wrong with these things, but it is wrong when they are repeatedly presented as only for one gender.
Girls can like robots and adventure, boys can like magic, flowers, butterflies and dressing up. Why tell them otherwise? Why tell them that boys and girls should like different things that their interests never overlap.
Separate cookery books seem particularly ridiculous; the suggestion being that boys eat pizza and burgers, while girls prefer pink iced cupcakes and ice creams.
Society has set a lot of duties for men and women alike and it’s even painful to see that in a children’s textbook, the duties of a wife are “to cook for the family and clean the house.” While father /husband are the “head of the house and to provide money for the family.” It’s a huge shame. We need to wake up and stop this nonsense.
In conclusion it’s accepted to practice target products at one segment of the population, but when it comes to children’s books it’s morally questionable to promote gender stereotypes. Children take messages about what’s “for girls” or “for boys” seriously.

I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned about the sexualisation of girls on books and cartoons.
Here is an interview with her.
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/quartzy/1133732/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-talks-about-feminism-and-raising-her-daughter-in-a-gendered-world/amp/

Here is the question that was asked her about raising a girl child.
LAUREN ALIX BROWN: So in terms of teaching people how to be feminists, has raising a girl changed or challenged any of your suggestions for how to raise a feminist?
CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE: It hasn’t challenged anything, it’s just that it’s made me realize how difficult it is. Because I think I felt that. I’m only just realizing that sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring against me. Because I am trying to push against ideas and norms that are so ingrained that they can start to feel invisible. And it’s little things. I’m just amazed at how everything is gendered. Also, I’m just realizing how early the sexualization of girls starts. Four-year-old girls’ dresses. I find many of them disturbing. It’s sort of like four year olds’ now have to be mini women. I’m noticing these things a lot more just because of my child. And children’s books and cartoons. It does sometimes feel that there’s a conspiracy of the universe. But at the same time, I’m utterly undeterred. It requires pushing back, but I’m going to push back. I want to equip her with the tools. I’m hoping that she grows up to be the girl who sort of mocks these things—who gets it and who mocks them. That’s my hope, that would be ideal for me.

RELIGION
Gender stereotypes and gender roles have been an integral part of history. Studies shows that gender stereotypes go all the way back to Adam and Eve, the idea that Eve was made for Adam, and the instance that Eve persuaded Adam to eat the fruit, it all helps for many people to justify gender roles and stereotypes. Women are significantly more likely to attend church than men and are also much more likely to being religious.
Here are a number of reasons for this in which religion underpinned gender roles and stereotype:
Firstly, from a traditional view, women’s expresses some role (nurturing and caring) which is a good match with religious faith. Raising children in their religion and taking them to church was seen as part of that role. Also women’s proximity to childbirth, childrearing, caring for the sick and caring for the elderly all, it is suggested, gives them reason to pray and seek spiritual support and guidance.
Secondly, women traditionally have been marginalised in domestic roles which give them more time to devote to religion whereas men had little time away from work and therefore were more likely to spend it on leisure pursuits.
Thirdly, men and women are socialised differently and women are socialised to be more compliant and passive. Men are socialised to be more dominant and therefore, while they take leadership positions in churches (indeed in many churches and religions they are the only ones permitted to take leadership positions). Looking at the different roles of women and men in the church- men are to fill the roles of pastors, such as, head pastor and elder of the church while women should primarily work with the children, so they would work in the nursery or as children’s pastor.

DEFINITION OF MUTUAL EXCLUSIVE

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mutual_exclusivity
In logic and probability theory, two events (or propositions) are mutually exclusive or disjoint if they cannot both occur at the same time. A clear example is the set of outcomes of a single coin toss, which can result in either heads or tails, but not both.
In the coin-tossing example, both outcomes are, in theory, collectively exhaustive, which means that at least one of the outcomes must happen, so these two possibilities together exhaust all the possibilities.[1] However, not all mutually exclusive events are collectively exhaustive. For example, the outcomes 1 and 4 of a single roll of a six-sided die are mutually exclusive (both cannot happen at the same time) but not collectively exhaustive (there are other possible outcomes; 2, 3, 5, 6).

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM WEBSTER
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mutually%20exclusive

being related such that each excludes or precludes the other
also : INCOMPATIBLE

ACCORDING TO COLLINS DICTIONARY
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/amp/english/mutually-exclusive
If two things are mutually exclusive, they are separate and very different from each other, so that it is impossible for them to exist or happen together.

SYNONYMS FOR MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
For better understanding of the topic here are some similar word to mutually exclusive:

Clashing, conflicting, disagreeing, discordant, discrepant, incompatible, incongruous, inconsistent, inconsonant, inharmonious, repugnant

From the above definition of mutually exclusive I guess my readers understand the meaning of that. For two words/items like PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION that are NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, I mean they are agreeing, compatible,. Therefore PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION are not mutually exclusive.

The following are mine personal proves with references that prompted me to say that “”PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION”” are not mutually exclusive.

The proves are stated below:

First prove (The privileging/preference of sons over daughters)

Second prove (Patriarchal society that gives preferences/respect for women who are married)

Third prove (the patriarchy society have integrated and socialize this idea that women have a specific role in the society which cannot be change)

Fourth prove (the patriarchy with the integration of socialization and culture in the society have made women not be to given much freedom)

Fifth prove (the integration of patriarchy and socialization also dictates that society should have this idea that femininity is synonymous with submissiveness and therefore authority and power will not be given to females)

Sixth prove (Patriarchal society that use domestic violence as a weapon in the maltreatment of children and women)

Seventh prove (the patriarchal society with the integration of socialization have made it impossible for the attainment of equality since it will dismantle the conventional (norms) ideas will have about the society in reference to both sexes )

Eight prove (the patriarchy dictates and internalize the idea that culture -societal norms- social influence- social convention have to be maintain)

Ninth prove (the patriarchal system internalize and socialize the use of silencing as a tool to their victim especially women)

FIRST PROVE
(THE PRIVILEGING/PREFERENCE OF SONS OVER DAUGHTERS)


The patriarchal society’s preference of the male child has been integrated in to the society, that a women who gave birth to a male is given much respect in the family.

In the succession of kingship in the rural area, the father requires a male child, if no male child is given to him, he marries another wife who could give him a male child. All this come as a result of integration of patriarchy and socialization in the society.

This is a negative societal value which is seen in our society and parent (mother) also enforce such on their daughter to try and give birth to a male child to avoid their husband from getting a second wife.
Here the Patriarchal dictates of the society that place value on male children, the male are seen as superior and the male child/figure is given upper hand in any decision irrespective of his age in the family while the women are seen as inferior. This also undermine/ underestimate women/girls’ ability to express their own opinions, make decisions – their capacity to make decisions based on their own will, and act on them.

FACTORS THAT UNDERPIN (SUPPORT) OF PRIVILEGING/PREFERENCE OF SONS OVER DAUGHTERS

After much research on this topic I was able to found three main factors that underpin (support) of privileging/preference of sons over daughters, they include:

Son bias
ideologies and norms of femininity (through girlhood and womanhood)/Ideologies of femininity

ideologies and norms of masculinity (from boyhood to manhood/Ideologies of masculinity

SON BIAS

Son bias is a deep perceptions (rooted in culture and religion) of the roles and values of boys/men/males in the society. Son bias is often seen in some society where daughters are perceived as an economic drain on the family, because they will join another household/ or husband upon marriage. Son bias can also be compounded for that fact that it’s worthwhile to invest in boys as they will bring better financial returns to the family. It can also contribute to parents regarding daughters as assets who can provide labour or bring in resources upon marriage, rather than as individuals with equal rights to their sons. Son bias has led to a negative outcomes for girls.

These negative outcomes include;

unequal access to education (because parents regard boys’ education as a better investment or boys as more deserving of education)

a greater burden of household duties (with girls typically working longer hours and having less leisure time than boys)

lower aspirations for girls’ futures on the part of parents

Limited opportunities for girls to influence household decision making

For married girls, son bias can mean pressure to continue childbearing until a son is born( this affect mostly the kingship throne)

IDEOLOGIES AND NORMS OF FEMININITY (THROUGH GIRLHOOD AND WOMANHOOD)/ IDEOLOGIES OF FEMININITY

This is another gender ideologies, values and norms that are related to girlhood and the transition to womanhood. These values translate into commonly accepted roles and standards of behaviuor in the society. For example, girls are expected to do more of household labour. This serves two purposes: helping households run smoothly, and training the girl so she has the skills she will need as a wife and a mother.

In Africa, using Nigeria as example, girls are expected to serve food to the men in their family and any visiting guests. Working hard is a defining feature of what it is to be a ‘good’ girl or woman or wife.

In some society in Africa, sexual maturity (the onset of menstruation and developing breasts) signaled the end of a girl’s childhood and the start of womanhood, and therefore her readiness to assume adult responsibilities and behave as an adult woman.

In some society, chastity and virginity at marriage were considered important elements in a girl’s personal and family honour. These norms severely limit girls’ freedom of movement outside the home: girls feel they must avoid being seen in situations where they could be accused of unchaste behaviour, or where they would be at risk of sexual harassment.

Limits on girls’ mobility and the high value placed on virginity before marriage in some cultures affect girls’ access to education. Parents can be reluctant to send girls to mixed schools where they can form relationships with boys, or fear they may interact with (or be harassed by) boys and men while travelling to and from school. This cluster of values and norms contributes to the persistence of child marriage in some areas. Theses norms and practice has limited girls’ opportunities for education.

Furthermore is has led to more health problems among these child girl (for example, the likelihood of early pregnancy and repeated pregnancy where there is son bias).

Finally it has also undermine/ underestimate girls’ ability to express their own opinions (like the idea of her been sexually harass or her friend or relatives), make decisions – their capacity to make decisions based on their own will, and act on them.

IDEOLOGIES AND NORMS OF MASCULINITY (FROM BOYHOOD TO MANHOOD)/ IDEOLOGIES OF MASCULINITY

Traditional or idealized norms of masculinity were often defined in opposition to norms of femininity. So, for example, in all countries, ‘good’ men were expected to be breadwinners, and boys were expected to learn skills or study hard so that they could fulfil this role in future; with this role as family provider came the expectation that a man would be the head of the household and be the ultimate decision-maker, with women and children agreeing to him. Girls, by contrast, were typically expected to earn some income but this was secondary to their main role as mother and home-maker.

In some society adolescent boys workloads are generally lower and they typically have greater freedom than girls to meet with friends outside the home and to move around their communities independently. As they do so, they are further exposed to norms of masculinity modelled by adult men and by their peers.

Norms of masculinity include being virile (interpreted in different contexts as freedom to have more than one sexual partner, and fathering many children, particularly sons).

In some society, norms of masculinity condone physical violence against women and girls in certain circumstances, and particularly once a girl is married since the man is the head of the house he decide on how to control it.

REFERENCES TO SUPPORT MY PROVE ABOUT THE PRIVILEGING/PREFERENCE OF MALES/SONS OVER FEMALES/DAUGHTERS
The following are reference to support my prove about the privileging/preference of sons over daughters

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

REFERENCE 2 (INTERNET/SITE)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “”””why men have a higher rate of dying by suicide “”””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://m.guardian.ng/features/how-patriarchy-could-be-spiking-rate-of-suicide-among-men/
https://dailypost.ng/2018/09/12/men-die-suicide-chimamanda-adichie/
Here is her speech:
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE : “””“Both men and women suffer from the illnesses that lead to suicide but it is men that have a much higher rate of dying by suicide.
“Why? Because men are socialized to suppress so many human parts of themselves, men are socialized not to ask for help, men are socialized to be afraid of fear, men are socialized not to show vulnerability.
“From the moment we tell a little boy that ‘boys don’t cry’ or we tell a hurting teenager to ‘man up’ we are creating an adult man who will be cheated of the full range of his emotions. So, while men benefit from patriarchy, they also suffer from it. ”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Boys and girls are undeniably different biologically, but socialization exaggerates the differences. And then starts a self-fulfilling process. Take cooking, for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do housework than men—cooking and cleaning. But why is that? Is it because women are born with a cooking gene or because over years they have been socialized to see cooking as their role? I was going to say that perhaps women are born with a cooking gene until I remembered that the majority of famous cooks in the world—who are given the fancy title of “chef”—are men. ”””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
———- As in most big cities, finding parking in the evenings can be difficult, so these young men make a business out of finding spots, and—even when there are spots available—of guiding you into yours with much gesticulating, and promising to “look after” your car until you get back. I was impressed with the particular theatrics of the man who found us a parking spot that evening. And so as we were leaving, I decided to give him a tip. I opened my bag, put my hand inside my bag to get my money, and I gave it to the man. And he, this man who was happy and grateful, took the money from me, and then looked across at Louis and said, “Thank you, sah!”
Louis looked at me, surprised and asked: “Why is he thanking me? I didn’t give him the money.” Then I saw realization dawn on Louis’s face. The man believed that whatever money I had ultimately came from Louis. Because Louis is a man. ———-

REFERENCE 5 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
———- Not long ago, I walked into the lobby of one of the best Nigerian hotels, and a guard at the entrance stopped me and asked me annoying questions—What was the name and room number of the person I was visiting? Did I know this person? Could I prove that I was a hotel guest by showing him my key card?—because the automatic assumption is that a Nigerian female walking into a hotel alone is a sex worker. Because a Nigerian female alone cannot possibly be a guest paying for her own room.

A man who walks into the same hotel is not harassed. The assumption is that he is there for something legitimate. (Why, by the way, do those hotels not focus on the demand for sex workers instead of on the ostensible supply?) In Lagos, I cannot go alone into many reputable clubs and bars. They just don’t let you in if you are a woman alone.

You must be accompanied by a man. And so I have male friends who arrive at clubs and end up going in with their arms linked with those of a complete stranger, because that complete stranger, a woman out on her own, had no choice but to ask for “help” to get into the club.

Each time I walk into a Nigerian restaurant with a man, the waiter greets the man and ignores me. The waiters are products of a society that has taught them that men are more important than women, and I know that they don’t intend harm, but it is one thing to know something intellectually, and quite another to feel it emotionally. Each time they ignore me, I feel invisible. I feel upset. I want to tell them that I am just as human as the man, just as worthy of acknowledgment. These are little things, but sometimes it is the little things that sting the most. ———-

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
——- Point out to her how wrong it is that a man who hits your car in Lagos traffic gets out and tells you to go and bring your husband because he ‘can’t deal with a woman’. Instead of merely telling her, show her with examples that misogyny can be overt and misogyny can be subtle and that both are abhorrent——-

SECOND PROVE
PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY THAT GIVES PREFERENCES/RESPECT FOR WOMEN WHO ARE MARRIED


Patriarchal society that affords a woman respect only when she is married. The society internalizes the patriarchal dictates of women, which views women without husbands as inadequate or incomplete.

REFERENCES TO SUPPORT MY PROVE THAT PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY GIVES PREFERENCES/RESPECT FOR WOMEN WHO ARE MARRIED
Am going to take my reference from a well know feminist writer whose contribution to feminism in the society is well noted. The following are reference to support the prove that patriarchal society gives preferences/respect for women who are married.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
——— When Hillary Clinton was running for president of the United States, the first descriptor on her Twitter account was ‘Wife’. The first descriptor on the Twitter account of Bill Clinton, her husband, is ‘Founder’, not ‘Husband’. (Because of this, I have an unreasonable affection for the very few men who use ‘husband’ as their first descriptor.)

In a strange way, it doesn’t feel unusual that she would define herself as a wife like this, while he doesn’t define himself as a husband. It feels normal, because it is so common; our world still largely values a woman’s marital and maternal roles more than anything else.

After she married Bill Clinton in 1975, Hillary Clinton kept her name, Hillary Rodham.
Eventually she began to add his name, Clinton, to hers and then after a while she dropped Rodham because of political pressure – because her husband would lose voters who were offended that his wife had kept her name.
Reading of this made me think not only of how American voters apparently place retrograde marital expectations on women, but also of my own experience with my name. ———-

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
———- You remember how a journalist unilaterally decided to give me a new name – Mrs
Husband’s Surname – on learning that I was married, and how I asked him to stop because that was not my name. I will never forget the smouldering hostility from some Nigerian women in response to this. It is interesting that there was more hostility, in general, from women (than from men), many of whom insisted on calling me what was not my name, as though to silence my voice.

I wondered about that, and thought that perhaps for many of them, my choice represented a challenge to their idea of what is the norm. Even some friends made statements like: ‘You are successful and so it is OK to keep your name.’ Which made me wonder: why does a woman have to be successful at work in order to justify keeping her name? The truth is that I have not kept my name because I am successful. Had I not had the good fortune to be published and widely read, I would still have kept my name. I have kept my name because it is my name. I have kept my name because I like my name.

There are people who say, ‘Well, your name is also about patriarchy because it is your
father’s name.’ Indeed. But the point is simply this: whether it came from my father or from the moon, it is the name that I have had since I was born, the name with which I travelled my life’s milestones, the name I have answered to since that first day I went to kindergarten in Nsukka on a hazy morning and my teacher said, ‘Answer “present” if you hear your name. Number one: Adichie!’ ———-

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
—–More important, every woman should have the choice of keeping her name – but the reality is that there is an overwhelming societal pressure to conform. There are obviously women who want to take their husband’s name, but there are women who do not want to conform yet for whom the required energy – mental, emotional, even physical – is just too much. How many men do you think would be willing to change their name on getting married? ——

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
———- ‘Mrs’ is a title I dislike because Nigerian society gives it too much value. I have observed
too many cases of men and women who proudly speak of the title of Mrs as though those who are not Mrs have somehow failed at something. Mrs can be a choice, but to infuse it with as much value as our culture does is disturbing. The value we give to Mrs means that marriage changes the social status of a woman but not that of a man. (Is that perhaps why many women complain of married men still ‘acting’ as though they were single? Perhaps if our society asked married men to change their names and take on a new title, different from Mr, their behaviour might change as well? Ha!) But more seriously, if you, a twenty-eight-year-old master’s degree holder, go overnight from Ijeawele Eze to Mrs Ijeawele Udegbunam, surely it requires not just the mental energy of changing passports and licences but also a psychic change, a new ‘becoming’? This new ‘becoming’ would not matter so much if men, too, had to undergo it. —

I prefer Ms because it is similar to Mr. A man is Mr whether married or not, a woman is Ms whether married or not. So please teach Chizalum that in a truly just society, women should not be expected to make marriage-based changes that men are not expected to make. Here’s a nifty solution: each couple that marries should take on an entirely new surname, chosen however they want as long as both agree to it, so that a day after the wedding, both husband and wife can hold hands and joyfully journey off to the municipal offices to change their passports, driver’s licences, signatures, initials, bank accounts, etc. ———-

THIRD PROVE
(THE PATRIARCHY SOCIETY HAVE INTEGRATED AND SOCIALIZE THIS IDEA THAT WOMEN AND MEN HAVE A SPECIFIC ROLE IN THE SOCIETY WHICH CANNOT BE CHANGE)

Here society/individual have internalize that women will continue to have these roles no matter how. But that is totally nonsense.

Here feminist are trying to say that a woman or man should not be placed on a particular/specific role in the society, that theses role over the years become a tradition which is passed down to generations through the socialization of children and parents.

The society through it patriarchy dictate uses the socialization agent like parents, religion, teacher and media to keep this norms associated to masculinity and femininity

So when feminist call such roles as absurd, the society/individual had a negative label on feminism for downgrading female roles which is totally wrong.

For me personally I tagged these specific role as GENDER ROLE. Here are the list of gender roles for both male and female which society have place for them:

FEMALE GENDER/SEX ROLES
Gender/sex roles that describe all women in the society include:
Women are supposed to have “clean jobs” such as secretaries, teachers, and librarians
Women are not good at maths
Women are nurses, not doctors
Women are not as strong as men
Women are supposed to make less money than men
The best women are stay at home moms
Women don’t need to go to college
Women don’t play sports
Women are not politicians
Women are quieter than men and not meant to speak out
Women are supposed to be submissive and do as they are told
Women are supposed to cook and do housework
Women are responsible for raising children
Women do not have technical skills and are not good at “hands on” projects such as car repairs
Women are meant to be the damsel in distress; never the hero
Women are supposed to look pretty and be looked at
Women love to sing and dance
Women do not play video games
Women are never in charge
Women should be secretaries

Women should be “ladylike.”

MALE GENDER/SEX ROLES
Gender/sex roles that describe all men in the society are:
All men enjoy working on cars
Men are not nurses, they are doctors
Men do “dirty jobs” such as construction and mechanics; they are not secretaries, teachers, or cosmetologists
Men do not do housework and they are not responsible for taking care of children
Men play video games
Men play sports
Men enjoy outdoor activities such as camping, fishing, and hiking
Men are in charge; they are always at the top
As husbands, men tell their wives what to do
Men are good at math
It is always men who work in science, engineering, and other technical fields
Men do not cook, sew, or do crafts or cooking
Men should be macho.
Men shouldn’t kindergarten teachers.

DETAILED EXPLANATION

From the above analysis and detail examples of gender roles designated to both male and female in the society. Am able to come with some references to underpin that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive and to make the society understand that gendered roles have a lot of effect on males and females so far the socializing agents are still working hand to hand.
Some individual/society feel that gendered roles for a woman can’t change in the society therefore I personally refute against such idea or mentality.
Here are the list of a little draft/excerpt from our renowned feminist FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI to underpin mine prove that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive.
So with the following references am going to outline below, I will convince my readers that that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” Gender matters everywhere in the world. And I would like today to ask that we begin to dream about and plan for a different world. A fairer world. A world of happier men and happier women who are truer to themselves. And this is how to start: We must raise our daughters differently. We must also raise our sons differently. “””””

REFERENCE 2(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” That many men do not actively think about gender or notice gender. Because gender can be uncomfortable, there are easy ways to close this conversation. Other men might respond by saying: Okay, this is interesting, but I don’t think like that. I don’t even think about gender. Some people will bring up evolutionary biology and apes, how female apes bow to male apes—that sort of thing. But the point is this: We are not apes. Apes also live in trees and eat earthworms. We do not. “””””

REFERENCE 3(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” I know a woman who hates domestic work, but she pretends that she likes it, because she has been taught that to be “good wife material,” she has to be—to use that Nigerian word—homely. And then she got married. And her husband’s family began to complain that she had changed. Actually, she had not changed. She just got tired of pretending to be what she was not. The problem with gender is that it prescribeSs how we should be rather than recognizing how we are. Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations. “””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””” I am trying to unlearn many lessons of gender I internalized while growing up. But I sometimes still feel vulnerable in the face of gender expectations. “”””

REFERENCE 5 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
““” Gender roles are so deeply conditioned in us that we will often follow them even when they chafe against our true desires, our needs, our happiness. They are very difficult to unlearn, and so it is important to try to make sure that Chizalum rejects them from the beginning. Instead of letting her internalize the idea of gender roles, teach her self-reliance.”””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
””If we don’t place the straitjacket of gender roles on young children, we give them space to reach their full potential. Please see Chizalum as an individual. Not as a girl who should be a certain way. See her weaknesses and her strengths in an individual way. Do not measure her on a scale of what a girl should be. Measure her on a scale of being the best version of herself.””

REFERENCE 7 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the Tenth Suggestion
““”” She can counter ideas about static ‘gender roles’ if she has been empowered by her familiarity with alternatives. If she knows an uncle who cooks well – and does so with indifference – then she can smile and brush off the foolishness of somebody who claims that ‘women must do the cooking. “”””

REFERENCE 8 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
“”””Teach her that the idea of ‘gender roles’ is absolute nonsense. Do not ever tell her that she should or should not do something because she is a girl. ‘Because you are a girl’ is never a reason for anything ever “”””

REFERENCE 9 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
””””” The knowledge of cooking does not come pre-installed in a vagina. Cooking is learned. Cooking – domestic work in general – is a life skill that both men and women should ideally have. It is also a skill that can elude both men and women. We also need to question the idea of marriage as a prize to women, because that is the basis of these absurd debates. If we stop conditioning women to see marriage as a prize, then we would have fewer debates about a wife needing to cook in order to earn that prize. It is interesting to me how early the world starts to invent gender roles. “””””

REFERENCE 10 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””” Now here’s a story from my childhood: When I was in primary school in Nsukka, a university town in southeastern Nigeria, my teacher said at the beginning of term that she would give the class a test and whoever got the highest score would be the class monitor. Class monitor was a big deal. If you were class monitor, you would write down the names of noisemakers each day, which was heady enough power on its own, but my teacher would also give you a cane to hold in your hand while you walked around and patrolled the class for noise makers. Of course you were not allowed to actually use the cane. But it was an exciting prospect for the nine-year-old me. I very much wanted to be class monitor. And I got the highest score on the test. Then, to my surprise, my teacher said the monitor had to be a boy. She had forgotten to make that clear earlier; she assumed it was obvious. A boy had the second-highest score on the test. And he would be monitor. What was even more interesting is that this boy was a sweet, gentle soul who had no interest in patrolling the class with a stick. While I was full of ambition to do so. But I was female and he was male and he became class monitor. I have never forgotten that incident. If we do something over and over, it becomes normal. If we see the same thing over and over, it becomes normal. If only boys are made class monitor, then at some point we will all think, even if unconsciously, that the class monitor has to be a boy. If we keep seeing only men as heads of corporations, it starts to seem “natural” that only men should be heads of corporations. ””””””

REFERENCE 11 (FROM SITE/INTERNET)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned about the sexualisation of girls on media (marketing strategy)
Here is a backup to that statement of yours from our own popular Nigeria feminist: FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi
Here is an interview with her.
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/quartzy/1133732/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-talks-about-feminism-and-raising-her-daughter-in-a-gendered-world/amp/
Here is the question that was asked her about raising a girl child.
LAUREN ALIX BROWN: So in terms of teaching people how to be feminists, has raising a girl changed or challenged any of your suggestions for how to raise a feminist?
FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI: “”””” It hasn’t challenged anything, it’s just that it’s made me realize how difficult it is. Because I think I felt that. I’m only just realizing that sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring against me. Because I am trying to push against ideas and norms that are so ingrained that they can start to feel invisible. And it’s little things. I’m just amazed at how everything is GENDERED—diapers. I mean baby bodies are the same. But now there are diapers where there’s the girl picture. Some months ago we wanted to get the overnight diapers for Baby because she was starting to wake up quite wet. So we wanted to get the diapers marketed as overnight because they absorb more and there’s girls and boys. I remember saying to my husband, who’s a physician, I said, “Do you think maybe the boys’ has a little thing to hold the penis? I mean, why are they different? He had a good laugh and he’s like, “It’s just marketing.” I remember thinking, there has to be a reason for this because it made no sense to me. But there’s no reason for it. Also, I’m just realizing how early the sexualization of girls starts. Four-year-old girls’ dresses. I find many of them disturbing. It’s sort of like four year olds’ now have to be mini women. I’m noticing these things a lot more just because of my child. And children’s books and cartoons. It does sometimes feel that there’s a conspiracy of the universe. But at the same time, I’m utterly undeterred.
It requires pushing back, but I’m going to push back. I want to equip her with the tools. I’m hoping that she grows up to be the girl who sort of mocks these things—who gets it and who mocks them. That’s my hope, that would be ideal for me. “”””””

REFERENCE 12 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”” But what matters even more is our attitude, our mind-set. What if, in raising children, we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? “””

REFERENCE 13 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
””””Gender is not an easy conversation to have. It makes people uncomfortable, sometimes even irritable. Both men and women are resistant to talk about gender, or are quick to dismiss the problems of gender. Because thinking of changing the status quo is always uncomfortable. ””””

REFERENCE 14 (FROM SITE/INTERNET-SPEECH)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “””” MOTHER IN RELATON TO FEMININITY””””
For further reading here is the link to the SPEECH convince you:
https://time.com/3921492/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-graduation-commencement-wellesley/
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
IN HER SPEECH SHE SAYS-
“”””” Okay, one last thing about my mother. My mother and I do not agree on many things regarding gender. There are certain things my mother believes a person should do, for the simple reason that said person ‘is a woman.’ Such as nod occasionally and smile even when smiling is the last thing one wants to do. Such as strategically give in to certain arguments, especially when arguing with a non-female. Such as get married and have children. I can think of fairly good reasons for doing any of these. But ‘because you are a woman’ is not one of them. And so, Class of 2015, never ever accept ‘Because you are a Woman’ as a reason for doing or not doing anything. “”””

FOURTH PROVE
(THE PATRIARCHAL WITH THE INTEGRATION OF SOCIALIZATION AND CULTURE IN THE SOCIETY HAVE MADE WOMEN NOT BE TO GIVEN MUCH FREEDOM)


Society believe that if women are given privilege/freedom to act or do anything they can supersedes or neglect the norms of femininity and the culture of that society which is a bad influence on the female’s folks and the society. So they decided that such freedom should be minimized for the females.
Another annoying claim I need to tackle is the fact that some people/individual still give assumptions as stated below:

“”””” But why women go about agitating for freedom? Whenever you do anything in life you have to follow rules. You can’t just do anything you like. “””””
For better understanding am going to define the meaning of freedom and culture from different source and with link beneath it as prove for my write-up and for the viewers/readers.
DEFINITION OF FREEDOM

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom
Freedom, generally, is having the ability to act or change without constraint. Something is “free” if it can change easily and is not constrained in its present state. In philosophy and religion, it is associated with having free will and being without undue or unjust constraints, or enslavement, and is an idea closely related to the concept of liberty.

ACCORDING TO CAMBRIDGE DICTIONARY
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/freedom
The condition or right of being able or allowed to do, say, think, etc. whatever you want to, without being controlled or limited.
A right to act in the way you think you should.
The state of not being in prison.
To honour someone by giving them special rights in a particular city.

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/freedom

  1. The quality or state of being free: such as
    A. the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action
    B: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another: INDEPENDENCE
    C: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous.

2A. A political right.
B. Franchise, privilege.

DEFINITION OF CULTURE

According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture
Culture is an umbrella term which encompasses the social behaviour and norms found in human societies, as well as the knowledge, beliefs, arts, laws, customs, capabilities and habits of the individuals in these groups. Humans acquire culture through the learning processes of enculturation and socialization, which is shown by the diversity of cultures across societies. A cultural norm codifies acceptable conduct in society; it serves as guideline for behaviour, dress, language, and demeanour in a situation, which serves as a template for expectations in a social group.

According to merriam-webster dictionary
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/culture
The customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group.

The characteristic features of everyday existence (such as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time.

The set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization.

The set of values, conventions, or social practices associated with a particular field, activity, or societal characteristic.

The integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behaviour that depends upon the capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge to succeeding generations.

According to Cambridge dictionary
https://www.google.com/amp/s/dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/culture
The way of life, especially the general customs and beliefs, of a particular group of people at a particular time.

The way of life of a particular people, esp. as shown in their ordinary behaviour and habits, their attitudes toward each other, and their moral and religious beliefs.

The arts of describing, showing, or performing that represent the traditions or the way of life of a particular people or group; literature, art, music, dance, theatre, etc.

DETAILED EXPLANATION

In reference to the above statement made by men about women. For me personally the freedom the men are taking about are something they feel the women should not have right over, they feel if women are given much freedom on these things, the equality of the sexes will be achieve . So what the Patriarchal society/men fight against include:
Freedom for a women to pursue a career (otherwise the men will feel threaten )

Freedom for women to accomplish too much(otherwise the men will feel threaten )

Freedom for a women to express the female subordination which I termed oppression, subjugation and subjection that have made women become less in the society.

Equality of women before the law, in educational and professional opportunities.

Freedom for a women to own property rights.

Freedom for a women to choose her type of clothes.

Freedom for a women to have Equal pay for equal work.

Freedom for a women to have say on protection from rape.

Freedom for a women from all dehumanizing forces.

From the 9 reasons I listed above, the men feel is a threat to the society, so they make sure women are not given freedom. Any women who fight for such are labelled as misandrist in connection to feminist. Therefore from the above sited 9 reasons, the patriarchal society integrated that in the society culture and norms which is passed down to families.
I personally kick against this statement or idea that men posit, but for me every human have freedom to choose a career, freedom to work. Men and women have freedom to choose a career.
Moreover am going to give use some references that patriarchy and socialization are connection in the dictates of norms and cultures in the society. So with the references am going to outline below, I will convince my readers that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive.
The following are the references to counter the idea/notion of people saying that patriarchy and socialization are mutually exclusive thereby saying that women should not be given much freedom.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””””””“And then we do a much greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males. We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him. But what if we question the premise itself: Why should a woman’s success be a threat to a man? What if we decide to simply dispose of that word—and I don’t know if there is an English word I dislike more than this—emasculation. “”””””””””
Note-
Emasculation- the act of depriving of virility, or the state of being so deprived.
Loss of power and masculinity.
Neutering a male animal by removing the testicles.

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “” FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” We teach females that in relationships, compromise is what a woman is more likely to do. We raise girls to see each other as competitors—not for jobs or accomplishments, which in my opinion can be a good thing—but for the attention of men. “”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

REFERENCE 3 (INTERNET/SITE)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “”””why men have a higher rate of dying by suicide “”””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://m.guardian.ng/features/how-patriarchy-could-be-spiking-rate-of-suicide-among-men/
https://dailypost.ng/2018/09/12/men-die-suicide-chimamanda-adichie/
Here is her speech:
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE : “””“Both men and women suffer from the illnesses that lead to suicide but it is men that have a much higher rate of dying by suicide.
“Why? Because men are socialized to suppress so many human parts of themselves, men are socialized not to ask for help, men are socialized to be afraid of fear, men are socialized not to show vulnerability.
“From the moment we tell a little boy that ‘boys don’t cry’ or we tell a hurting teenager to ‘man up’ we are creating an adult man who will be cheated of the full range of his emotions. So, while men benefit from patriarchy, they also suffer from it. ”””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Boys and girls are undeniably different biologically, but socialization exaggerates the differences. And then starts a self-fulfilling process. Take cooking, for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do housework than men—cooking and cleaning. But why is that? Is it because women are born with a cooking gene or because over years they have been socialized to see cooking as their role? I was going to say that perhaps women are born with a cooking gene until I remembered that the majority of famous cooks in the world—who are given the fancy title of “chef”—are men. ”””””

REFERENCE 5 (FROM SITE/ INTERNET)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned/talk on “””” culture integrated with appearance (make up) “””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/karenhua/2016/10/21/the-cultural-importance-of-chimamanda-ngozi-adichies-boots-beauty-campaign/amp/
Here is her speech:
“”” Our culture teaches us that to be taken seriously, women should not care too much about their appearance. So I stopped wearing makeup and became a false version of myself,” Adichie said. “But then I woke up because makeup doesn’t actually mean anything. It’s about how I feel when I get it right—what makes me walk ever so taller. It’s about the face I choose to show the world and what I choose to say. ”””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM SITE/ INTERNET-TALK)
I will backed it up with a powerful ted talk made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned/talk on “””” culture integrated with single story””””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/transcript?language=en
Here is her speech:
00:12
I’m a storyteller. And I would like to tell you a few personal stories about what I like to call “the danger of the single story.” I grew up on a university campus in eastern Nigeria. My mother says that I started reading at the age of two, although I think four is probably close to the truth. So I was an early reader, and what I read were British and American children’s books.

00:39
I was also an early writer, and when I began to write, at about the age of seven, stories in pencil with crayon illustrations that my poor mother was obligated to read, I wrote exactly the kinds of stories I was reading: All my characters were white and blue-eyed, they played in the snow, they ate apples,

01:04
(Laughter)
01:06
And they talked a lot about the weather, how lovely it was that the sun had come out.

01:10
(Laughter)

01:12
Now, this despite the fact that I lived in Nigeria. I had never been outside Nigeria. We didn’t have snow, we ate mangoes, and we never talked about the weather, because there was no need to.

01:26
My characters also drank a lot of ginger beer, because the characters in the British books I read drank ginger beer. Never mind that I had no idea what ginger beer was.

01:36
(Laughter)

01:37
And for many years afterwards, I would have a desperate desire to taste ginger beer. But that is another story.

01:44
What this demonstrates, I think, is how impressionable and vulnerable we are in the face of a story, particularly as children. Because all I had read were books in which characters were foreign, I had become convinced that books by their very nature had to have foreigners in them and had to be about things with which I could not personally identify. Now, things changed when I discovered African books. There weren’t many of them available, and they weren’t quite as easy to find as the foreign books.

02:15
But because of writers like Chinua Achebe and Camara Laye, I went through a mental shift in my perception of literature. I realized that people like me, girls with skin the color of chocolate, whose kinky hair could not form ponytails, could also exist in literature. I started to write about things I recognized.

02:36
Now, I loved those American and British books I read. They stirred my imagination. They opened up new worlds for me. But the unintended consequence was that I did not know that people like me could exist in literature. So what the discovery of African writers did for me was this: It saved me from having a single story of what books are.

02:59
I come from a conventional, middle-class Nigerian family. My father was a professor. My mother was an administrator. And so we had, as was the norm, live-in domestic help, who would often come from nearby rural villages. So, the year I turned eight, we got a new house boy. His name was Fide. The only thing my mother told us about him was that his family was very poor. My mother sent yams and rice, and our old clothes, to his family. And when I didn’t finish my dinner, my mother would say, “Finish your food! Don’t you know? People like Fide’s family have nothing.” So I felt enormous pity for Fide’s family.

03:43
Then one Saturday, we went to his village to visit, and his mother showed us a beautifully patterned basket made of dyed raffia that his brother had made. I was startled. It had not occurred to me that anybody in his family could actually make something. All I had heard about them was how poor they were, so that it had become impossible for me to see them as anything else but poor. Their poverty was my single story of them.

04:13
Years later, I thought about this when I left Nigeria to go to university in the United States. I was 19. My American roommate was shocked by me. She asked where I had learned to speak English so well, and was confused when I said that Nigeria happened to have English as its official language. She asked if she could listen to what she called my “tribal music,” and was consequently very disappointed when I produced my tape of Mariah Carey.

04:42
(Laughter)

04:45
She assumed that I did not know how to use a stove.

04:49
What struck me was this: She had felt sorry for me even before she saw me. Her default position toward me, as an African, was a kind of patronizing, well-meaning pity. My roommate had a single story of Africa: a single story of catastrophe. In this single story, there was no possibility of Africans being similar to her in any way, no possibility of feelings more complex than pity, no possibility of a connection as human equals.

05:21
I must say that before I went to the U.S., I didn’t consciously identify as African. But in the U.S., whenever Africa came up, people turned to me. Never mind that I knew nothing about places like Namibia. But I did come to embrace this new identity, and in many ways I think of myself now as African. Although I still get quite irritable when Africa is referred to as a country, the most recent example being my otherwise wonderful flight from Lagos two days ago, in which there was an announcement on the Virgin flight about the charity work in “India, Africa and other countries.”

05:55
(Laughter)

05:56
So, after I had spent some years in the U.S. as an African, I began to understand my roommate’s response to me. If I had not grown up in Nigeria, and if all I knew about Africa were from popular images, I too would think that Africa was a place of beautiful landscapes, beautiful animals, and incomprehensible people, fighting senseless wars, dying of poverty and AIDS, unable to speak for themselves and waiting to be saved by a kind, white foreigner. I would see Africans in the same way that I, as a child, had seen Fide’s family.

06:35
This single story of Africa ultimately comes, I think, from Western literature. Now, here is a quote from the writing of a London merchant called John Lok, who sailed to west Africa in 1561 and kept a fascinating account of his voyage. After referring to the black Africans as “beasts who have no houses,” he writes, “They are also people without heads, having their mouth and eyes in their breasts.”

07:05
Now, I’ve laughed every time I’ve read this. And one must admire the imagination of John Lok. But what is important about his writing is that it represents the beginning of a tradition of telling African stories in the West: A tradition of Sub-Saharan Africa as a place of negatives, of difference, of darkness, of people who, in the words of the wonderful poet Rudyard Kipling, are “half devil, half child.”

07:32
And so, I began to realize that my American roommate must have throughout her life seen and heard different versions of this single story, as had a professor, who once told me that my novel was not “authentically African.” Now, I was quite willing to contend that there were a number of things wrong with the novel, that it had failed in a number of places, but I had not quite imagined that it had failed at achieving something called African authenticity. In fact, I did not know what African authenticity was. The professor told me that my characters were too much like him, an educated and middle-class man. My characters drove cars. They were not starving. Therefore they were not authentically African.

08:21
But I must quickly add that I too am just as guilty in the question of the single story. A few years ago, I visited Mexico from the U.S. The political climate in the U.S. at the time was tense, and there were debates going on about immigration. And, as often happens in America, immigration became synonymous with Mexicans. There were endless stories of Mexicans as people who were fleecing the healthcare system, sneaking across the border, being arrested at the border, that sort of thing.

08:54
I remember walking around on my first day in Guadalajara, watching the people going to work, rolling up tortillas in the marketplace, smoking, laughing. I remember first feeling slight surprise. And then, I was overwhelmed with shame. I realized that I had been so immersed in the media coverage of Mexicans that they had become one thing in my mind, the abject immigrant. I had bought into the single story of Mexicans and I could not have been more ashamed of myself.

09:26
So that is how to create a single story, show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become.

09:37
It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali.” It’s a noun that loosely translates to “to be greater than another.” Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principle of nkali: How they are told, who tells them, when they’re told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.

10:12
Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person. The Palestinian poet Mourid Barghouti writes that if you want to dispossess a people, the simplest way to do it is to tell their story and to start with, “secondly.” Start the story with the arrows of the Native Americans, and not with the arrival of the British, and you have an entirely different story. Start the story with the failure of the African state, and not with the colonial creation of the African state, and you have an entirely different story.

10:52
I recently spoke at a university where a student told me that it was such a shame that Nigerian men were physical abusers like the father character in my novel. I told him that I had just read a novel called “American Psycho” —

11:08
(Laughter)

11:10
— And that it was such a shame that young Americans were serial murderers.

11:15
(Laughter)

11:19
(Applause)

11:25
Now, obviously I said this in a fit of mild irritation.

11:28
(Laughter)

11:30
But it would never have occurred to me to think that just because I had read a novel in which a character was a serial killer that he was somehow representative of all Americans. This is not because I am a better person than that student, but because of America’s cultural and economic power, I had many stories of America. I had read Tyler and Updike and Steinbeck and Gaitskill. I did not have a single story of America.

11:55
When I learned, some years ago, that writers were expected to have had really unhappy childhoods to be successful, I began to think about how I could invent horrible things my parents had done to me.

12:08
(Laughter)

12:10
But the truth is that I had a very happy childhood, full of laughter and love, in a very close-knit family.

12:17
But I also had grandfathers who died in refugee camps. My cousin Polle died because he could not get adequate healthcare. One of my closest friends, Okoloma, died in a plane crash because our fire trucks did not have water. I grew up under repressive military governments that devalued education, so that sometimes, my parents were not paid their salaries. And so, as a child, I saw jam disappear from the breakfast table, then margarine disappeared, then bread became too expensive, then milk became rationed. And most of all, a kind of normalized political fear invaded our lives.

12:57
All of these stories make me who I am. But to insist on only these negative stories is to flatten my experience and to overlook the many other stories that formed me. The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.

13:25
Of course, Africa is a continent full of catastrophes: There are immense ones, such as the horrific rapes in Congo and depressing ones, such as the fact that 5,000 people apply for one job vacancy in Nigeria. But there are other stories that are not about catastrophe, and it is very important, it is just as important, to talk about them.

13:45
I’ve always felt that it is impossible to engage properly with a place or a person without engaging with all of the stories of that place and that person. The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar.

14:09
So what if before my Mexican trip, I had followed the immigration debate from both sides, the U.S. and the Mexican? What if my mother had told us that Fide’s family was poor and hardworking? What if we had an African television network that broadcast diverse African stories all over the world? What the Nigerian writer Chinua Achebe calls “a balance of stories.”

14:33
What if my roommate knew about my Nigerian publisher, Muhtar Bakare, a remarkable man who left his job in a bank to follow his dream and start a publishing house? Now, the conventional wisdom was that Nigerians don’t read literature. He disagreed. He felt that people who could read, would read, if you made literature affordable and available to them.

14:56
Shortly after he published my first novel, I went to a TV station in Lagos to do an interview, and a woman who worked there as a messenger came up to me and said, “I really liked your novel. I didn’t like the ending. Now, you must write a sequel, and this is what will happen …”

15:11
(Laughter)

15:14
And she went on to tell me what to write in the sequel. I was not only charmed, I was very moved. Here was a woman, part of the ordinary masses of Nigerians, who were not supposed to be readers. She had not only read the book, but she had taken ownership of it and felt justified in telling me what to write in the sequel.

15:33
Now, what if my roommate knew about my friend Funmi Iyanda, a fearless woman who hosts a TV show in Lagos, and is determined to tell the stories that we prefer to forget? What if my roommate knew about the heart procedure that was performed in the Lagos hospital last week? What if my roommate knew about contemporary Nigerian music, talented people singing in English and Pidgin, and Igbo and Yoruba and Ijo, mixing influences from Jay-Z to Fela to Bob Marley to their grandfathers.

16:06
What if my roommate knew about the female lawyer who recently went to court in Nigeria to challenge a ridiculous law that required women to get their husband’s consent before renewing their passports? What if my roommate knew about Nollywood, full of innovative people making films despite great technical odds, films so popular that they really are the best example of Nigerians consuming what they produce? What if my roommate knew about my wonderfully ambitious hair braider, who has just started her own business selling hair extensions? Or about the millions of other Nigerians who start businesses and sometimes fail, but continue to nurse ambition?

16:47
Every time I am home I am confronted with the usual sources of irritation for most Nigerians: our failed infrastructure, our failed government, but also by the incredible resilience of people who thrive despite the government, rather than because of it. I teach writing workshops in Lagos every summer, and it is amazing to me how many people apply, how many people are eager to write, to tell stories.

17:14
My Nigerian publisher and I have just started a non-profit called Farafina Trust, and we have big dreams of building libraries and refurbishing libraries that already exist and providing books for state schools that don’t have anything in their libraries, and also of organizing lots and lots of workshops, in reading and writing, for all the people who are eager to tell our many stories.

17:36
Stories matter. Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity.

17:56
The American writer Alice Walker wrote this about her Southern relatives who had moved to the North. She introduced them to a book about the Southern life that they had left behind. “They sat around, reading the book themselves, listening to me read the book, and a kind of paradise was regained.”

18:17
I would like to end with this thought: That when we reject the single story, when we realize that there is never a single story about any place, we regain a kind of paradise.

18:30
Thank you.

18:31
(Applause)

REFERENCE 7 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
———- In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints. Saintliness is not a prerequisite for dignity. People who are unkind and dishonest are still human, and still deserve dignity. Property rights for rural Nigerian women, for example, is a major feminist issue, and the women do not need to be good and angelic to be allowed their property rights. ———-

FIFTH PROVE
(THE INTEGRATION OF PATRIARCHY AND SOCIALIZATION ALSO DICTATES THAT SOCIETY SHOULD HAVE THIS IDEA THAT FEMININITY IS SYNONYMOUS WITH SUBMISSIVENESS AND THEREFORE AUTHORITY AND POWER WILL NOT BE GIVEN TO FEMALES)

Society believes if women are given the avenue to hold power and authority they will reject the femininity trait- submissiveness.

As I went further in getting another statement made by some people concerning the idea that patriarchy and socialization are mutually exclusive
Society feel women should be submissive to men. Men/people feel women don’t have the right to authority and power based on the bible reference about authority and power.
Here is a statement some people/men used in justifying the idea that if much authority and power is given to women it will override their femininity trait and roles in the society.

The Holy Bible in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states that “as in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”

Ephesians 5:22–24 says the following: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

For better understanding of these argument am going to define the meaning of authority and power from different source and with link beneath it as prove for my write-up and for the viewers/readers.

DEFINITION OF AUTHORITY
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authority

In the fields of sociology and political science, authority is the legitimate power that a person or a group of persons consensually possess and practice over other people. In a civil state, authority is made formal by way of a judicial branch and an executive branch of government. In the exercise of governance, the terms authority and power are inaccurate synonyms. The term authority identifies the political legitimacy, which grants and justifies the ruler’s right to exercise power of government; and the term power identifies the ability to accomplish an authorized goal, either by compliance or by obedience; hence, authority is the power to make decisions and the legitimacy to make such legal decisions and order their execution.

ACCORDING TO CAMBRIDGE DICTIONARY
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/authority
the moral or legal right or ability to control:
a group of people with official responsibility for a particular area of activity:
the group of people with official legal power to make decisions or make people obey the laws in a particular area, such as the police or a local government department:
an expert on a subject:
the power to control or demand obedience from others:
the official power to make decisions for other people or to tell them what they must do:
official permission or the legal right to do something:
the ability to influence other people and make them respect you, especially because you are confident or have a lot of knowledge.

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM-WEBSTER DICTIONARY
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/authority
1: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behaviour
2: persons in command
Specifically: GOVERNMENT
3: an official decision of a court used especially as a precedent
4a: a power to act especially over others that derives from status, position, or office
b: JURISDICTION- the power to act that is officially or formally granted (as by statute, corporate bylaw, or court order)

DEFINITION OF POWER
ACCORDING TO CAMBRIDGE DICTIONARY
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/power

Ability to control people and events:
The amount of political control a person or group has in a country:
STRENGTH
an official or legal right to do something:
(ABILITY)-capability
capacity (AMOUNT)
a natural skill or an ability to do something:
(PERSON WITH CONTROL)-a person, organization, or country that has control over others, often because of wealth, importance, or great military strength:

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM-WEBSTER.COM/DICTIONARY
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/power
(1): ability to act or produce an effect
(2): ability to get extra-base hits
(3): capacity for being acted upon or undergoing an effect
b: legal or official authority, capacity, or right
4A: possession of control, authority, or influence over others
5a: physical might
b: mental or moral efficacy
c: political control or influence

DETAILED EXPLANATION
Here is an exposition of Genesis chapter 1-3, I hope to vividly point out some major flaws and inconsistencies about some people/men who thinks patriarchy and socialization are mutually exclusive. So I will lift mine from bible this time around base on the religions society we live in siting from the Christian angle.
Here are the following references to my above point on authority and power:

REFERENCE 1 (DOMINION, AUTHORITY, EVE’S IDENTITY AND AUTHORITY)
I found Genesis 1:26-27 interesting. Verse 26 does say “let them have dominion” some of the emphasis is also elaborated upon in verse 28. It says that God blessed them and said to them, that they are to subdue and rule over the earth. The creation mandate is given to man and woman together. There is no hint of distinct roles or job descriptions here. Adam and Eve are commanded together to co-rule the earth.
An additional point is that in Genesis 1:26-28, there are only 2 authority structures: God over all creation, and man and woman’s joint authority over the earth. Their dominion and authority was directed towards creation, and not toward each other. Remember that this was before the fall.
Again, there is nothing in Genesis 1 and 2 to indicate that Adam was the responsible one, the leader, or authority figure. There was joint authority and they were to co-rule the earth as God’s representatives.
EVE’S IDENTITY AND AUTHORITY
In Genesis 3:20, Adam calls his wife by the name “Eve” for the first time, because he now understands that she will be the “mother of all the living.” Yet I have seldom heard anyone say that being the “mother of all the living” was Eve’s defining role.
It seems that Eve had more than one role and that her roles changed as circumstances changed.
Most people have many roles in life, and these change as our circumstances change and as we go through different life stages. Nevertheless, some Christians think that Eve and, by extension, all women are fundamentally defined to be the auxiliaries, or subordinate helpers, of men.
Furthermore, the scriptures give us no reason to think that Eve’s station in life was marked by a one-sided help or service to her husband, or that Adam’s station in life was to receive his wife’s help without also helping her.
Genesis 1:26-28 indicates that men and women were created to work together to do what is necessary to act as God’s regents, which includes ruling the earth and having dominion over the animals.
In Genesis 1, men and women are given the exact same commission from God, and they have an identical status, authority, and function. Gender roles are not mentioned before the fall. In Genesis 1, men and women have an identical status, authority and purpose.

REFERENCE 2 (PRIMOGENITURE NATURE)
Because Adam was created first, some see this as evidence of the man having special status and privilege (primogeniture). Yet, there is no evidence of primogeniture until a considerable time after creation, moreover nothing primogeniture during the creation account. Furthermore, it was after the creation we started seeing primogeniture nature using those born later such as Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, and David.
NOTE:
DEFINITION OF PRIMOGENITURE
According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primogeniture#:~:text=Primogeniture%20(%2Fpra%C9%AAm,child%20or%20any%20collateral%20relative.
Primogeniture is the right, by law or custom, of the firstborn legitimate child to inherit the parent’s entire or main estate in preference to shared inheritance among all or some children, any illegitimate child or any collateral relative. In most contexts it means the inheritance of the firstborn son (agnatic primogeniture); it can also mean by the firstborn daughter (matrilineal primogeniture).

According to Merriam Webster dictionary
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/primogeniture
1: the state of being the firstborn of the children of the same parents
2: an exclusive right of inheritance belonging to the eldest son
According to Encyclopedia
https://www.encyclopedia.com/social-sciences-and-law/law/law/primogeniture
Primogeniture has two closely related meanings: (1) a principle of seniority and authority whereby siblings are ranked according to their ages, with the eldest coming first; and (2) a principle of inheritance, in which the firstborn child receives all or his parents’ most significant and valuable property upon their death. In most cases, the rules have been applied primarily or exclusively to males. But even where this is the case, the rule has often been interpreted flexibly. The Crown of England, for instance, has passed to the eldest daughter when a male heir was not available, as was the case with Elizabeth II in 1953.
According to Wiktionary
https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/primogeniture
The state of being the firstborn of the children of the same parents.
The principle that the eldest child has an exclusive right of inheritance.

REFERENCE 3 (AUTHORITY AND NAMING ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE)
Some will also state that because Adam named Eve that this shows him having some special authority. However, in the Bible, the act of naming does not necessarily imply authority. For example, Hagar (the Egyptian slave of Abraham and Sarah) gave God a name! Does that mean Hagar had authority over God? I don’t think so. And both men and women named children in the Old Testament. There are 25 instances of women naming children, and twenty by men. If this demonstrates authority, it is a joint or shared authority by men and women.

REFERENCE 4 (AUTHORITY AND POWER)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the fourth Suggestion
———- If a woman has power then why do we need to disguise that she has power? But here is a sad truth: our world is full of men and women who do not like powerful women. We have been so conditioned to think of power as male that a powerful woman is an aberration. And so she is policed. We ask of powerful women – is she humble?

Does she smile? Is she grateful enough? Does she have a domestic side? Questions we do not ask of powerful men, which shows that our discomfort is not with power itself, but with women. We judge powerful women more harshly than we judge powerful men. And Feminism Lite enables ———-

REFERENCE 5 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
——Men and women are different. We have different hormones and different sexual organs and different biological abilities—women can have babies, men cannot. Men have more testosterone and are, in general, physically stronger than women. There are slightly more women than men in the world—52 percent of the world’s population is female— but most of the positions of power and prestige are occupied by men.

The late Kenyan Nobel peace laureate Wangari Maathai put it simply and well when she said, the higher you go, the fewer women there are. In the recent US elections, we kept hearing of the Lilly Ledbetter law, and if we go beyond that nicely alliterative name, it was really about this: in the US, a man and a woman are doing the same job, with the same qualifications, and the man is paid more because he is a man. So in a literal way, men rule the world. This made sense—a thousand years ago.

Because human beings lived then in a world in which physical strength was the most important attribute for survival; the physically stronger person was more likely to lead. And men in general are physically stronger. (There are of course many exceptions.) Today, we live in a vastly different world. The person more qualified to lead is not the physically stronger person. It is the more intelligent, the more knowledgeable, the more creative, more innovative. And there are no hormones for those attributes. A man is as likely as a woman to be intelligent, innovative, creative. We have evolved. But our ideas of gender have not evolved very much. ——-

REFERENCE 6 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the thirteen Suggestion
——- A Feminism Lite adherent once told me that the fact that our society expects men to make proposals proves that women have the power, because only if a woman says yes can marriage happen. The truth is this – the real power resides in the person who asks. Before you can say yes or no, you first must be asked. I truly wish for Chizalum a world in which either person can propose, in which a relationship has become so comfortable, so joy-filled, that whether or not to embark on marriage becomes a conversation, itself filled with joy——-

REFERENCE 7 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the fourth Suggestion
———Feminism Lite uses the language of ‘allowing’. Theresa May is the British prime minister
and here is how a progressive British newspaper described her husband: ‘Philip May is known in politics as a man who has taken a back seat and allowed his wife, Theresa, to shine.’ Allowed.
Now let us reverse it. Theresa May has allowed her husband to shine. Does it make sense? If Philip May were prime minister, perhaps we might hear that his wife had ‘supported’ him from the background, or that she was ‘behind’ him, or that she’d ‘stood by his side’, but we would never hear that she had ‘allowed’ him to shine.

Allow is a troubling word. Allow is about power. You will often hear members of the Nigerian chapter of the Society of Feminism Lite say, ‘Leave the woman alone to do what she wants as long as her husband allows.’ A husband is not a headmaster. A wife is not a schoolgirl. Permission and being allowed, when used one-sidedly – and they are nearly only used that way – should never be the language of an equal marriage. Another egregious example of Feminism Lite: men who say ‘Of course a wife does not always have to do the domestic work, I did domestic work when my wife travelled.’ ———-

SIXTH PROVE
(PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY THAT USE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A WEAPON IN THE MALTREATMENT OF CHILDREN AND WOMEN)


In some society, norms of masculinity condone physical violence against women and girls in certain circumstances, and particularly once a girl is married since the man is the head of the house he decide on how to control it.

For a Broader view and understanding of the topic let look at some definitions of some terms associated with the topic;
WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence
Domestic violence (also named domestic abuse or family violence) is violence or other abuse in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. Domestic violence is often used as a synonym for intimate partner violence, which is committed by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, or between former spouses or partners. In its broadest sense, domestic violence also involves violence against children, parents, or the elderly.
It takes a number of forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, and sexual abuse, which can range from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and to violent physical abuse such as choking, beating, female genital mutilation, and acid throwing that results in disfigurement or death. Domestic murders include stoning, bride burning, honor killings, and dowry deaths (which sometimes involve non-cohabitating family members).

FORM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
According to Wikipedia-https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence
It takes a number of forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, and sexual abuse, which can range from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and to violent physical abuse such as choking, beating, female genital mutilation, and acid throwing that results in disfigurement or death. Domestic murders include stoning, bride burning, honor killings, and dowry deaths (which sometimes involve non-cohabitating family members).

Abusive behaviors are not symptoms that someone is angry or out of control. An abuser makes a choice to exert power and control over his or her partner. Abusive behaviors include physical, emotional, sexual, social, and financial abuse.

PHYSICAL ABUSE
Physical abuse often begins with less violent assaults such as pushing. As the abuse continues, however, it becomes increasingly violent. Abusers often target areas of the body that are usually covered with clothing because the injuries are less likely to be visible to others. Acts of physical abuse include:
Pushing
Restraining
Shaking
Slapping
Biting
Punching
Kicking
Throwing objects at the victim
beating
Using weapons
Strangulation
Withholding medications
Attempting to force miscarriage
Scratching
Biting
Pulling hair
Refuse to help when sick, injured or disabled
Using or threatening to use weapons

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
Emotional/psychological abuse is a tool used by those who want to make their partners feel scared, crazy, worthless, or responsible for the abuse. The abuser’s goal is control over the victim. Emotional abuse may include:
Making jokes about the victim
Insults
Criticizing the victim’s competence
Ignoring the victim’s feelings
Withholding affection as a form of punishment
Blaming the victim for all problems
Yelling at the victim
Humiliating the victim in front of others
Accusing the victim of being the abusive partner
Threatening to take the children away from the victim
Threatening physical violence
Extreme jealousy
Hiding or destroying important belongings
Frequent demands to know where she is and with whom
Alienation/Separation from family and friends
Public humiliation

SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse is one of the least discussed, but most common, forms of domestic violence. Sexual abuse includes:
Sexual jokes that make the victim uncomfortable
Treating women as sex objects
Criticizing the victim’s sexuality
Using sexual jealousy as a tool of control
Uncomfortable or unwanted touch
Withholding sex as punishment
Demanding sex
Flaunting affairs
Rape
Sex after beatings
Forcing the victim to witness or participate in sexual activity with others
Sexually assaulting the victim in front of the children
Sexual torture – Forced sexual activities with abuser and/or others
Forced prostitution
exotic dancing
Threatening to sexually abuse children
Refusing to use or allowing contraception use
Public display of extramarital affairs
Forcing victim to watch batterer have sex with others
Forcing harmful sexual acts against the wish of the person

SOCIAL ABUSE
Social abuse is used to isolate the victim from others in the community. The fewer people the victim is connected with, the more control the abuser has over the victim. Examples of social abuse include:
Insisting that the couple spend all time together
Discouraging the victim from seeing friends or family
Forbidding the victim to see friends or family
Monitoring the victim’s mail or phone calls
Restricting access to the car or car keys
Telling others the victim is crazy or abusive

FINANCIAL ABUSE
Abusers often attempt to establish financial control over victims. Victims who are financially dependent on abusers have fewer resources for escape. Financial abuse includes:
Making all financial decisions for the household
Keeping financial secrets
Monitoring the victim’s spending
Controlling the victim’s access to cash
Controlling the victim’s access to chequebook or credit cards
Refusing to let the victim work
Forcing the victim to turn over income to the abuser
Taking person’s earned income
Making person beg for money

DETAILED EXPLANATION
The patriarchal dictates uses the domestic violence to hold their spouse or partner in relationships or marriage. Most of the victims stay in such abusive marriage for some reasons. The victims especially the women are made to be silent in such cases base on the fact that then hope one day the abuser will stop such abusive character.
The following are the various reasons why most victims stay in an abusive relationship:
Attachment of Mrs. tag/marital status
low self-esteem and low self-worth
Embarrassment or shame
Keeping marital vows
Marriage as an achievement
Finances
societal pressure
Fear of being alone (extreme self-hate if you ask me)
Children

dysfunctional family/ broken home/Family
Cultural/religious reasons

ATTACHMENT OF MRS. TAG/MARITAL STATUS
Most women in the society feel much attachment to their marital status or the Mrs. Tag syndrome. They prefer to stay in the abusive marriage rather than leave and remain single thereby bearing “Miss”. They believe so much in the marital status and see it as a means of intimidating other women who are not married by showing off their ring on their finger.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about the frequent waving of rings by married and the so much attachment of the title “Mrs”.

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” I know an unmarried woman in Nigeria who, when she goes to conferences, wears a wedding ring because she wants her colleagues to—according to her—“give her respect.” The sadness in this is that a wedding ring will indeed automatically make her seem worthy of respect, while not wearing a wedding ring would make her easily dismissible —and this is in a modern workplace. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion

“””””” Mrs’ is a title I dislike because Nigerian society gives it too much value. I have observed too many cases of men and women who proudly speak of the title of Mrs as though those who are not Mrs have somehow failed at something. Mrs can be a choice, but to infuse it with as much value as our culture does is disturbing. The value we give to Mrs Means that marriage changes the social status of a woman but not that of a man. (Is that perhaps why many women complain of married men still ‘acting’ as though they were single? Perhaps if our society asked married men to change their names and take on a new title, different from Mr, their behaviour might change as well? Ha!)

But more seriously, if you, a twenty-eight-year-old master’s degree holder, go overnight from Ijeawele Eze to Mrs Ijeawele Udegbunam, surely it requires not just the mental energy of changing passports and licenses but also a psychic change, a new ‘becoming’? This new ‘becoming’ would not matter so much if men, too, had to undergo it.

I prefer Ms because it is similar to Mr. A man is Mr whether married or not, a woman is Ms whether married or not. So please teach Chizalum that in a truly just society, women should not be expected to make marriage-based changes that men are not expected to make. Here’s a nifty solution: each couple that marries should take on an entirely new surname, chosen however they want as long as both agree to it, so that a day after the wedding, both husband and wife can hold hands and joyfully journey off to the municipal offices to change their passports, driver’s licenses, signatures, initials, bank accounts, etc. “”””””

LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND LOW SELF-WORTH
When an abusive partner constantly puts someone down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault. Many women felt beaten down and of no value, the abusive partner made them believe that they are worthless and alone. Therefore they felt they have done something wrong and they deserved it.

EMBARRASSMENT OR SHAME
It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them. One reason many victims hesitate to speak up is because they are afraid of being judged and pressured by friends and professionals. They in the process of the abuse they keep silent. Most of the abused partner is been threaten of their life.

Some women believe that there is heroism in enduring abusive marriage and the shame of telling people about it is what they don’t like, so many grew up seeing their own mothers hanging on to abusive marriages and most times still got to “outlive” their abusive fathers. So they have these saying in their mind “So if my mother survived my father, I can also survive my abusive husband”.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about shame concerning women. Am using the write-up about shame to talk about abuse women suffer and their reluctant attitude to speak up.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” We teach girls shame. We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. Who silence themselves. Who cannot say what they truly think. Who have turned pretence into an art form. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the eighth Suggestion
“””””” Encourage her to speak her mind, to say what she really thinks, to speak truthfully. And then praise her when she does. Praise her especially when she takes a stand that is difficult or unpopular because it happens to be her honest position. Tell her that if anything ever makes her uncomfortable, to speak up, to say it, to shout. “”””””

KEEPING MARITAL VOWS
In as much as the man is wrong for beating his wife. The woman still stand on what she vowed for at the altar. Some women be enduring their marriage instead of enjoying their marriage. This is what you get when you marry a man that is not ready instead of marrying a man that truly love you. So the women hold unto these marital vow. They prefer to die in the abusive marriage than quite.
To make my point clear about this, here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about how some women use these marital vow in defence of abusive marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” We use the word respect for something a woman shows a man but often not for something a man shows a woman. Both men and women will say: “I did it for peace in my marriage.” When men say it, it is usually about something they should not be doing anyway.

Something they say to their friends in a fondly exasperated way, something that ultimately proves to them their masculinity—“Oh, my wife said I can’t go to clubs every night, so now, for peace in my marriage, I go only on weekends.”

When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. We teach females that in relationships, compromise is what a woman is more likely to do. “”””””

MARRIAGE AS AN ACHIEVEMENT
Here most women who have place there whole life in marriage, see it as an achievement. So leaving it seems odd. There hope, faith and believe are there. It is precisely because most women see marriage as a life-retirement package and would like to remain in it so far it’s an achievement to them, rather than terminate it and become single all over again.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about neglecting the idea of marriage as an achievement;

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
“””””” Never speak of marriage as an achievement. Find ways to make clear to her that marriage is not an achievement, nor is it what she should aspire to. A marriage can be happy or unhappy, but it is not an achievement. “”””””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the seventh Suggestion
“””””” We condition girls to aspire to marriage and we do not condition boys to aspire to marriage, and so there is already a terrible imbalance at the start. The girls will grow up to be women preoccupied with marriage. The boys will grow up to be men who are not preoccupied with marriage. The women marry those men. The relationship is automatically uneven because the institution matters more to one than the other. Is it any wonder that, in so many marriages, women sacrifice more, at a loss to themselves, because they have to constantly maintain an uneven exchange? One consequence of this imbalance is the very shabby and very familiar phenomenon of two women publicly fighting over a man, while the man remains silent. “”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” We also need to question the idea of marriage as a prize to women, because that is the basis of these absurd debates. If we stop conditioning women to see marriage as a prize, then we would have fewer debates about a wife needing to cook in order to earn that prize. It is interesting to me how early the world starts to invent gender roles.””””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
Because I am female, I’m expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Marriage can be a good thing, a source of joy, love, and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage, but we don’t teach boys to do the same?

REFERENCE 5 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” I know young women who are under so much pressure—from family, from friends, even from work—to get married that they are pushed to make terrible choices. Our society teaches a woman at a certain age who is unmarried to see it as a deep personal failure. Even the language we use illustrates this. The language of marriage is often a language of ownership, not a language of partnership. “””””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the thirteen Suggestion
“”””” And speaking of women lamenting about men who ‘promise’ marriage and then disappear – isn’t it odd that in most societies in the world today, women generally cannot propose marriage? Marriage is such a major step in your life and yet you cannot take charge of it; it depends on a man asking you. So many women are in long-term relationships and want to get married but have to wait for the man to propose – and often this waiting becomes a performance, sometimes unconscious and sometimes not, of marriage-worthiness. If we apply the first Feminism Tool here, then it makes no sense that a woman who matters equally has to wait for somebody else to initiate what will be a major life change for her.

It goes back, I think, to that early conditioning. At a recent baby’s baptism ceremony, guests were asked to write their wishes for the baby girl. One guest wrote: ‘I wish for you a good husband.’ Well-intentioned but very troubling. A three-month-old baby girl already being told that a husband is something to aspire to. Had the baby been a boy, it would not have occurred to that guest to wish for him ‘a good wife’. “””””””

REFERENCE 7 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the sixth suggestion

“””” Don’t you know you are old enough to find a husband?’ I used to say that often. But now I choose not to. I say, ‘You are old enough to find a job.’ Because I do not believe that marriage is something we should teach young girls to aspire to. “”””

REFERENCE 8 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” I know young women who are under so much pressure—from family, from friends, even from work—to get married that they are pushed to make terrible choices. Our society teaches a woman at a certain age who is unmarried to see it as a deep personal failure. “”””””

FINANCES
Since many of them are financially dependent, they rather stay put and take the abuse in good faith rather than expose themselves and their children to an uncharted life with great uncertainties.
Financial abuse is common, and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.
Imagine the wife is not dependent on her husband for money, when such abuse come up, she can cut off the marriage at any time. So women who depend much on their husband experience some kind of financial abuse, therefore cutting off is impossible. So women who stay in such abusive marriage has bestowed their full hope on the money aspect in the marriage, so leaving the marriage seems difficult.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about money.

NOTE-The reference here does not really take up on reason why women stay in marriage but am doing a reference here pertaining to the idea of money in marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the thirteen Suggestion
“””” I want to say something about money here. Teach her never ever to say such nonsense as ‘my money is my money and his money is our money’. It is vile. And dangerous – to have that attitude means that you must potentially accept other harmful ideas as well. Teach her that it is NOT a man’s role to provide. In a healthy relationship, it is the role of whoever can provide to provide. “”””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””” In secondary school, a boy and a girl go out, both of them teenagers with meager pocket money. Yet the boy is expected to pay the bills, always, to prove his masculinity. (And we wonder why boys are more likely to steal money from their parents.) What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money? What if their attitude was not “the boy has to pay,” but rather, “whoever has more should pay.””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the nineteen Suggestion
“”””””Igbo culture also focuses a little too much on materialism, and while money is important – because money means self-reliance – you must not value people based on who has money and who does not.’ “”””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” In secondary school, a boy and a girl go out, both of them teenagers with meager pocket money. Yet the boy is expected to pay the bills, always, to prove his masculinity. (And we wonder why boys are more likely to steal money from their parents.) What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money? What if their attitude was not “the boy has to pay,” but rather, “whoever has more should pay.” Of course, because of their historical advantage, it is mostly men who will have more today. But if we start raising children differently, then in fifty years, in a hundred years, boys will no longer have the pressure of proving their masculinity by material means. But by far the worst thing we do to males—by making them feel they have to be hard —is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is. “”””

SOCIETAL PRESSURE
The society has a vivid and unpleasant view of women of certain age bracket and divorcee, especially if they are women. For example, once a lady gets married, no one expects her to return to her father’s house, not even her family members. Therefore its means her enduring life-threatening abuses from her abusive husband.
Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about society pressure on unmarried women and the society sees them as a different person.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” I know young women who are under so much pressure—from family, from friends, even from work—to get married that they are pushed to make terrible choices. Our society teaches a woman at a certain age who is unmarried to see it as a deep personal failure. “”””””

FEAR OF BEING ALONE (EXTREME SELF-HATE IF YOU ASK ME)-

Here the person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship/marriage. The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Female victims of violence are much more likely than male victims to be terrorized and traumatized.

Attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous. Some women felt trapped because of their husbands’ threats of hunting them down and harming all their loved ones including the kids.

CHILDREN-

These women also put their children first, sacrificing their own safety. And they valued their children lives more than their own. The thought that they can’t earn to take care of self and the children.- Any woman who hangs on to an abusive marriage with the excuse that she is still there because of her children is living in self-denial as she is using the children as a cover up for her fear of leaving “the comfort zone”.

Again most of these women who don’t leave abusive marriage think the abuse may be lay down on their children, so they prefer to stay to avoid such. In some culture, when she leaves the children belongs to the man automatically.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about children possession in bad marriage. Here am relating it to abusive marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the nineteen Suggestion

“””””” Teach her to question our culture’s selective use of biology as ‘reasons’ for social norms. I know a Yoruba woman, married to an Igbo man, who was pregnant with her first child and was thinking of first names for the child. All the names were Igbo. Shouldn’t her children have Yoruba first names since they would have their father’s Igbo surname? I asked, and she said, ‘A child first belongs to the father. It has to be that way.’ We often use biology to explain the privileges that men have, the most common reason being men’s physical superiority.

It is of course true that men are in general physically stronger than women. But if we truly depended on biology as the root of social norms, then children would be identified as their mother’s rather than their father’s because when a child is born, the parent we are biologically – and incontrovertibly – certain of is the mother. We assume the father is who the mother says the father is. How many lineages all over the world are not biological, I wonder?

For many Igbo women, the conditioning is so complete that women think of children only as the father’s. I know of women who have left bad marriages but not been ‘allowed’ to take their children or even to see their children because the children belong to the man. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. “”””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” We use the word respect for something a woman shows a man but often not for something a man shows a woman. Both men and women will say: “I did it for peace in my marriage.” When men say it, it is usually about something they should not be doing anyway.

Something they say to their friends in a fondly exasperated way, something that ultimately proves to them their masculinity—“Oh, my wife said I can’t go to clubs every night, so now, for peace in my marriage, I go only on weekends.”

When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. We teach females that in relationships, compromise is what a woman is more likely to do. “”””””

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY/ BROKEN HOME/BROKEN FAMILY

A dysfunctional family is a fertile ground to raise children who would have a higher chance of growing up into damaged adults and the sad circle continues.Toxic background (grew up in an abusive or with negligent parents, basically they feel they have nowhere to run to).
A broken home is not only where one of the parent is no longer in the daily life of the spouse and the child(ren) between them but also where both parents are under the same roof but toxic is the atmosphere in the home.
People who are born into abusive homes will most likely subconsciously tilt towards abusive partners. When a child grows up seeing dad and mum fight, or mum been beaten up, they watch mum cry and struggle, they believe that in relationships it is normal to cry and struggle too. When they speak to their crying mum, she may say daddy loves us, it’s my fault for not cooking the food well, or it’s my fault I was rude. They then adapt to this notion and begin to reason in like manner.

They learn at a tender age that this is what marriage is or this is what love is. Some believe if their partner is not beating them or if their partner is not abusive, they don’t really love them. They then marry abusers and of course the cycle continues. Their own interpretation of marriage is that beating and abuse is normal so why should they leave? Their mothers stayed so why should they leave?

CULTURAL/RELIGIOUS REASONS-
Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family. Most culture support abuse in marriage. Religious also is another reason why they stay because instead of bringing shame to their religious they prefer to stay in the abusive marriage/relationship.
PROVE 1(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

A PERSONAL INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS ABUSED BY HER BOYFRIEND

NOTE- Her name was omitted base on personal and security reasons.

What did you love about him despite his toxicity?

HER ANSWER-
That was his imperfection, except that, dude was a great guy, he loved me a great deal but that his anger thing was what I couldn’t deal with, he was obsessed, I mean dude even fought men that looked at me, which was very bad.
There are so many things that makes one great in a relationship, he loved me with care, was scared to lose me thereby over protection.
One thing that turns me on in my relationship is when my partner trusts and owns me
It makes me fly, dammnit
I just couldn’t stand the toxic part, he became abusive, I couldn’t say hi to men, I couldn’t even talk/chat with men and he couldn’t stand me smiling and laughing with others while I frown at him, it makes him feel like he should kill me

Did you ever dig to find out what made him so possessive and insanely jealous?
HER ANSWER-
He doesn’t know, we talked about it, I wanted to help him but dude just says he loves me too much, doesn’t want to lose me bla bla bla and that wasn’t enough for me. He becomes a monster at the sight of me laughing with others. He starts hitting me and crying why I am doing this to him. Mehn, I had to run. He pleaded, tried so hard to get me back but I said Na, I am too beautiful to die because of your anger issue.
He’s still trying to get me back, he still thinks I will never find a man that loves me as much as he does Sadly for him, I think my bf loves me better now even when he’s a crack head(she laugh hysterically).

REFERENCES TO THE PROVE THAT PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY USE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AS A WEAPON IN THE MALTREATMENT OF CHILDREN AND WOMEN)
The increase in the number of domestic violence in the society is much base on the fact the women and children are socialize to keep quite on such thing to avoid the negative labelled on them. Domestic violence has been a weapon use on women and children by the patriarchal dictates/men.
Here are the list of a little draft/excerpt from our renowned feminist FEMINIST ADICHIE CHIMANMANDA NGOZI to underpin mine prove that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive.
So with the following references am going to outline below, I will convince my readers that that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive.
The reference are stated below:

REFERENCE 1 (FROM INTERNET/SITE-INTERVIEW)
An interview with FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE on domestic violence.
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned ““the connection of single story with domestic violence””
For further reading here is the links to convince you:
https://www.compasspoint.org/blog/domestic-violence-and-shackles-single-story
Here are the questions that the interviewer ask her
Jennifer Chen Speckman – So what does this notion of a single story have to do with domestic violence?

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi- Domestic violence is what people aren’t talking about. News stories reference estranged spouses, “high-conflict marriages,” or “custody battles,” but never domestic violence. In the discussion of differing priorities—whether it be gun violence, opportunity youth, mental health, education, or child welfare—it is essential to comprehend why it is so uncomfortable to acknowledge the larger picture—the one where the complexity of a domestic violence dynamic operating in a single household can wreak such havoc in the world. Prescribing a single story to the situation creates comfort. We pretend we know how things stand for other people. Assigning space for multiple stories opens our eyes to oppression, systemic failures, and incredible human cruelty. People don’t want to think about it. However, research shows us that we cannot ignore it and we cannot afford to assign a single story.

Jennifer Chen Speckman – So where do we go from here and where do the solutions lie?

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi-
First, we must come to the table with openness and curiosity to find our client as a multi-faceted human being, a full picture of historical legacies, power dynamics, social norms, political forces, and personal perspectives.
The next step is to empower children, families, and adults to find the multitude of their personal narratives. Research conducted by Sara and Marshall Duke at Emory University shows that children who have a strong sense of family narrative demonstrate greater self-confidence and resilience than those without. (“The Stories that Bind Us,” New York Times). Historical contexts of oppression and resilience matter, and connection to those complexities result in empowerment. How are children to find their family narrative if their family is marginalized and shackled to a single story?
Finally, we must acknowledge that domestic violence exists in our society in part because of the oppression of the single story. The oppression of women and children has existed since the beginning of human history; not too long ago, women and children were considered property and what happened in the home was private. We cannot think that such oppression will be eradicated easily. The WDVN challenges the community to view domestic violence as a confluence of stories about power dynamics and oppression, permeating all elements of historic legacies, life, well-being, family, and community. We ask that members of the community reflect and support every child’s and parent’s right to exist beyond a single story. The ability to allow for many stories ultimately will foster a community which is strong and empowered in mind, body, and soul.

REFERENCE 2 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
———- Teach her to question men who can have empathy for women only if they see them as relational rather than as individual equal humans. Men who, when discussing rape, will always say something like ‘if it were my daughter or wife or sister’. Yet such men do not need to imagine a male victim of crime as a brother or son in order to feel empathy. Teach her, too, to question the idea of women as a special species. I once heard an American politician, in his bid to show his support for women, speak of how women should be ‘revered’ and ‘championed’ – a sentiment that is all too common.

Tell Chizalum that women actually don’t need to be championed and revered; they just need
to be treated as equal human beings. There is a patronizing undertone to the idea of women
needing to be ‘championed and revered’ because they are women. It makes me think of chivalry, and the premise of chivalry is female weakness. ———-

REFERENCE 3 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
———- We police girls. We praise girls for virginity but we don’t praise boys for virginity (and it makes me wonder how exactly this is supposed to work out, since the loss of virginity is a process that usually involves two people of opposite genders).

Recently a young woman was gang raped in a university in Nigeria, and the response of many young Nigerians, both male and female, was something like this: yes, rape is wrong, but what is a girl doing in a room with four boys? Let us, if we can, forget the horrible inhumanity of that response. These Nigerians have been raised to think of women as inherently guilty. And they have been raised to expect so little of men that the idea of men as savage beings with no self-control is somehow acceptable.

We teach girls shame. Close your legs. Cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. Who silence themselves. Who cannot say what they truly think. Who have turned pretence into an art form. ———-

SEVENTH PROVE
(THE PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY WITH THE INTEGRATION OF SOCIALIZATION HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE ATTAINMENT OF EQUALITY SINCE IT WILL DISMANTLE THE CONVENTIONAL (NORMS) IDEAS WILL HAVE ABOUT THE SOCIETY IN REFERENCE TO BOTH SEXES)

This “ATTAINMENT OF EQUALITY” reason from the ninth prove is always funny to me. Society feel if women attain equality in all ramification this will dismantle conventional belief people have on femininity that have been in place thereby dismantling the conventional norms(ideas) in the society.
For better understanding am going to define the meaning of EQUALITY AND SOCIAL CONVENTION from different source and with link beneath it as prove for my write-up and for the viewers/readers.
DEFINITION OF EQUALITY
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equality
Political equality, in which all members of a society are of equal standing
Consociationalism, in which an ethnically, religiously, or linguistically divided state functions by cooperation of each group’s elites
Egalitarianism, a trend of thought that favours equality for all people
Equal opportunity, a stipulation that all people should be treated similarly
Equality of outcome, in which the general conditions of people’s lives are similar
For specific groups:
Gender equality
Racial equality
Equality Party (disambiguation), several political parties

Social equality, in which all people within a group have the same status, a form of social justice.
Because of my work am going to specify on the one that suits my study:
political equality
egalitarianism
equal opportunity
gender equality
social equality

POLITICAL EQUALITY
According to Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_egalitarianism
Political egalitarianism is where members of a society are of equal standing in terms of political power or influence. A founding principle of various forms of democracy, political egalitarianism was an idea which was supported by Thomas Jefferson and it is a concept similar to moral reciprocity and legal equality. The idea suggests all citizens of a certain country must be treated equally solely depending on their citizenship status, not on their race, gender, religion and how clever or how rich they are. Equal citizenship constitute the core of political egalitarianism. This is expressed in such principles as one-person/one-vote, equality before the law and equal rights of free speech.

EGALITARIANISM
According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egalitarianism
Egalitarianism (from French égal, meaning ‘equal’), or equalitarianism, is a school of thought within political philosophy that prioritizes equality for all people. Egalitarian doctrines are generally characterized by the idea that all humans are equal in fundamental worth or moral status.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary
The term has two distinct definitions in modern English, namely either as a political doctrine that all people should be treated as equals and have the same political, economic, social and civil rights, or as a social philosophy advocating the removal of economic inequalities among people, economic egalitarianism, or the decentralization of power. Some sources define egalitarianism as the point of view that equality reflects the natural state of humanity.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_opportunity
Equal opportunity is a state of fairness in which job applicants are treated similarly, unhampered by artificial barriers or prejudices or preferences, except when particular distinctions can be explicitly justified. The intent is that the important jobs in an organization should go to the people who are most qualified – persons most likely to perform ably in a given task – and not go to persons for reasons deemed arbitrary or irrelevant, such as circumstances of birth, upbringing, having well-connected relatives or friends, religion, sex, ethnicity, race, caste, or involuntary personal attributes such as disability, age, gender identity, or sexual orientation.
Equal opportunities is interpreted as being judged by ability, which is compatible with a free market economy. Relevant problems are horizontal inequality − the inequality of two persons of same origin and ability and differing opportunities given to individuals − such as in (education) or by inherited capital.

GENDER EQUALITY
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_equality
Gender equality, also known as sexual equality or equality of the sexes, is the state of equal ease of access to resources and opportunities regardless of gender, including economic participation and decision-making; and the state of valuing different behaviors, aspirations and needs equally, regardless of gender. Gender equality is the goal, while gender neutrality and gender equity are practices and ways of thinking that help in achieving the goal.
UNICEF says gender equality “means that women and men, and girls and boys, enjoy the same rights, resources, opportunities and protections. It does not require that girls and boys, or women and men, be the same, or that they be treated exactly alike.

SOCIAL EQUALITY
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_equality
Social equality is a state of affairs in which all people within a specific society or isolated group have the same status in possibly all respects, possibly including civil rights, freedom of speech, property rights and equal access to certain social goods and social services. However, it may also include health equality, economic equality and other social securities. Social equality requires the absence of legally enforced social class or caste boundaries and the absence of discrimination motivated by an inalienable part of a person’s identity. For example, sex, gender, race, age, sexual orientation, origin, caste or class, income or property, language, religion, convictions, opinions, health or disability must absolutely not result in unequal treatment under the law and should not reduce opportunities unjustifiably.

DEFINITION OF SOCIAL CONVENTION (NORM)
According to Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_(norm)
A convention is a set of agreed, stipulated, or generally accepted standards, norms, social norms, or criteria, often taking the form of a custom.
In a social context, a convention may retain the character of an “unwritten law” of custom (for example, the manner in which people greet each other, such as by shaking each other’s hands). Certain types of rules or customs may become law and regulatory legislation may be introduced to formalize or enforce the convention (for example, laws that define on which side of the road vehicles must be driven).

According to site research/book

https://press.princeton.edu/books/hardcover/9780691140902/social-conventions
According to Andrei Marmor in his book “social conventions: from language to law”
Social conventions are those arbitrary rules and norms governing the countless behaviors all of us engage in every day without necessarily thinking about them, from shaking hands when greeting someone to driving on the right side of the road.
Social Conventions is a much-needed reappraisal of the nature of the rules that regulate virtually every aspect of human conduct.

DETAILED EXPLANATION OF SEVENTH PROVE

I will start my point against such argument from these men/people saying such statement:
“Women and men are different. They are not equal. There are obvious underlying biological differences between the two sexes”
This is a superficial fact – that men and women are biologically different and have different general abilities, and therefore not “equal” to one another in the physiological sense. If this is the reason for society/men to refute women’s equality, and tag them as being misandrist because women can’t get equal opportunities with them base on the physical and biological different then it is wrong.
With this they feel if women attain equality in all ramification this will dismantle conventional belief people have on femininity. The patriarchy and socialization play an important role here in the actualization of the impossibility for the attainment of equality.
So it will be a threat to the society (the male dominance) and the female folks. But the society do forget something about “EQUALITY”.
When people/men talk about being “equal”, they mindset is about physical differences or structure of the both sexes. The word “EQUAL” MEANS EQUAL TREATMENT BEFORE THE LAW, EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY, AND EQUAL CONSIDERATION OF INTERESTS. So, most people/men completely misses the point of equality. I guess most men/people are totally wrong in this aspect of equality.
The following are references to support my prove that patriarchy and socialization have made it impossible for the attainment of equality based on conventional/norms ideas in the society:

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Men and women are different. We have different hormones and different sexual organs and different biological abilities—women can have babies, men cannot. Men have more testosterone and are, in general, physically stronger than women. A man and a woman are doing the same job, with the same qualifications, and the man is paid more because he is a man. So in a literal way, men rule the world. This made sense a thousand years ago. Because human beings lived then in a world in which physical strength was the most important attribute for survival; the physically stronger person was more likely to lead. And men in general are physically stronger. (There are of course many exceptions.) Today, we live in a vastly different world. The person more qualified to lead is not the physically stronger person. It is the more intelligent, the more knowledgeable, the more creative, more innovative. And there are no hormones for those attributes. A man is as likely as a woman to be intelligent, innovative, creative. We have evolved. But our ideas of gender have not evolved very much. “””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the sixth Suggestion
“”””””“Teach her, too, to question the idea of women as a special species. I once heard an American politician, in his bid to show his support for women, speak of how women should be ‘revered’ and ‘championed’ – a sentiment that is all too common. Tell Chizalum that women actually don’t need to be championed and revered; they just need to be treated as equal human beings. There is a patronizing undertone to the idea of women needing to be ‘championed and revered’ because they are women. It makes me think of chivalry, and the premise of chivalry is female weakness. “”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the second Suggestion
“””””” Do it together. Remember in primary school we learned that a verb was a ‘doing’ word? Well, a father is as much a verb as a mother. Chudi should do everything that biology allows – which is everything but breastfeeding. Sometimes mothers, so conditioned to be all and do all, are complicit in diminishing the role of fathers. You might think that Chudi will not bathe her exactly as you’d like, that he might not wipe her bum as perfectly as you do. But so what? What is the worst that can happen? She won’t die at the hands of her father. Seriously. He loves her.
It’s good for her to be cared for by her father. So look away, arrest your perfectionism, still your socially conditioned sense of duty. Share child care equally. ‘Equally’ of course depends on you both, and you will have to work it out, paying equal attention to each person’s needs. It does not have to mean a literal fifty-fifty or a day-by-day score-keeping but you’ll know when the child-care work is equally shared. You’ll know by your lack of resentment. Because when there is true equality, resentment does not exist. ””””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM SITE/INTERNET)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “”””FEMINISM””””
For further reading here is the link to the SPEECH convince you.
https://time.com/3921492/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-graduation-commencement-wellesley/
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
IN HER SPEECH SHE SAYS-
“”””” I am lucky that my writing has given me a platform that I choose to use to talk about things that I care about, and I have said a few things that have not been so popular with a number of people. I have been told to shut up about certain things – such as my position on the equal rights of gay people on the continent of Africa, such as my deeply held belief that men and women are completely equal. I don’t speak to provoke. I speak because I think our time on earth is short and each moment that we are not our truest selves, each moment we pretend to be what we are not, each moment we say what we do not mean because we imagine that is what somebody wants us to say, then we are wasting our time on earth. “”””

REFERENCE 9 (FROM SITE/INTERNET)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “”””FEMINISM””””
For further reading here is the link to the SPEECH convince you.
https://time.com/3921492/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-graduation-commencement-wellesley/
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
IN HER SPEECH SHE SAYS-
“”””” I am lucky that my writing has given me a platform that I choose to use to talk about things that I care about, and I have said a few things that have not been so popular with a number of people. I have been told to shut up about certain things – such as my position on the equal rights of gay people on the continent of Africa, such as my deeply held belief that men and women are completely equal. I don’t speak to provoke. I speak because I think our time on earth is short and each moment that we are not our truest selves, each moment we pretend to be what we are not, each moment we say what we do not mean because we imagine that is what somebody wants us to say, then we are wasting our time on earth. “””””

EIGHTH PROVE
THE PATRIARCHAL DICTATES AND INTERNALIZE THE IDEA THAT CULTURE -SOCIETAL NORMS- SOCIAL INFLUENCE- SOCIAL CONVENTION HAVE TO BE MAINTAIN)


For better understanding of the eighth prove, am going to give some definitions associated with the prove like
societal norms
social influence
social convention

DEFINITION OF SOCIAL NORMS
According to Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_norm
Social norms are regarded as collective representations of acceptable group conduct as well as individual perceptions of particular group conduct. They can be viewed as cultural products (including values, customs, and traditions) which represent individuals’ basic knowledge of what others do and think that they should do.
From a sociological perspective, social norms are informal understandings that govern the behavior of members of a society. Social psychology recognizes smaller group units (such as a team or an office) may also endorse norms separately or in addition to cultural or societal expectations.

DEFINITION OF SOCIAL INFLUENCE
According to site research/book

https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/social-influencehttps://www.sciencedirect.com/referencework/9780080970875/international-encyclopedia-of-the-social-and-behavioral-sciences#book-info

According Robert H. Gass, Social Influence, Sociology of in “International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences (Second Edition), 2015”
Social influence involves intentional and unintentional efforts to change another person’s beliefs, attitudes, or behavior. Unlike persuasion, which is typically intentional and requires some degree of awareness on the part of the target, social influence may be inadvertent or accidental. Social influence often operates via peripheral processing. Hence, the target may be unaware of the influence attempt. Unlike compliance gaining, which is usually goal directed, social influence is often non-goal directed and the outcomes may be inconsistent with, or unrelated to, a communicator’s goals. Social influence encompasses such strategies as indebtedness or reciprocity, commitment, social proof, liking and attractiveness, authority, and scarcity.

DEFINITION OF SOCIAL CONVENTION (NORM)
According to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_(norm)
A convention is a set of agreed, stipulated, or generally accepted standards, norms, social norms, or criteria, often taking the form of a custom.
In a social context, a convention may retain the character of an “unwritten law” of custom (for example, the manner in which people greet each other, such as by shaking each other’s hands). Certain types of rules or customs may become law and regulatory legislation may be introduced to formalize or enforce the convention (for example, laws that define on which side of the road vehicles must be driven).

According to site research/book

https://press.princeton.edu/books/hardcover/9780691140902/social-conventions

According to Andrei Marmor in his book “social conventions: from language to law”
Social conventions are those arbitrary rules and norms governing the countless behaviors all of us engage in every day without necessarily thinking about them, from shaking hands when greeting someone to driving on the right side of the road.
Social Conventions is a much-needed reappraisal of the nature of the rules that regulate virtually every aspect of human conduct.

DETAILED EXPLANATION OF EIGHTH PROVE
This statement is a fallacy and totally incorrect. Here the society believe and concur with the culture (social influence, societal norms and social convention) based on the knowledge that has been passed to them. There the practise and norms are used by the patriarchal with the internalization of these ideas in the society. So these norms have both positive and negative effect on the society.
In reference to social influence, societal norms and social convention in the above statement made by some people. What people are saying if the society norms says child marriage is good, we should accept it, despite knowing it’s totally wrong to do it? That is stupid. Most of the societal norms are wrong sometimes, like the idea of the cooking or women place in kitchen is still totally wrong.
We are in the 21 century, some people have drop that absurd idea about WOMEN BELONG IN THE KITCHEN/WOMEN SHOULD NOT WORK. Change is constant, so culture- societal norms- social conventions must have change.
In fact, it could be just the opposite, it could be that certain societal norms are very immoral (for instance, in some societies using Nigeria as reference, it may have been considered the right thing to do by killing live infants twins, and in other African societies like it is considered acceptable to take a 10 years old and make her your wife and I call that child marriage).
Now I want to ask the men/people a simple question, who believe that culture-social influence, societal norms and social convention can’t be change
Is child marriage or killing of twins wrong or right according to social conventions or culture or social norms? Please ponder on that.

Moreover am going to give a detailed references that patriarchy and socialization are not mutually exclusive. The following are the reference to support my proves that the patriarchal dictates and internalize the idea that culture -societal norms- social influence- social convention have to be maintain and not changed:

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

REFERENCE 2 (INTERNET/SITE)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned “”””why men have a higher rate of dying by suicide “”””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://m.guardian.ng/features/how-patriarchy-could-be-spiking-rate-of-suicide-among-men/
https://dailypost.ng/2018/09/12/men-die-suicide-chimamanda-adichie/
Here is her speech:
FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE : “””“Both men and women suffer from the illnesses that lead to suicide but it is men that have a much higher rate of dying by suicide.
“Why? Because men are socialized to suppress so many human parts of themselves, men are socialized not to ask for help, men are socialized to be afraid of fear, men are socialized not to show vulnerability.
“From the moment we tell a little boy that ‘boys don’t cry’ or we tell a hurting teenager to ‘man up’ we are creating an adult man who will be cheated of the full range of his emotions. So, while men benefit from patriarchy, they also suffer from it. ”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Boys and girls are undeniably different biologically, but socialization exaggerates the differences. And then starts a self-fulfilling process. Take cooking, for example. Today, women in general are more likely to do housework than men—cooking and cleaning. But why is that? Is it because women are born with a cooking gene or because over years they have been socialized to see cooking as their role? I was going to say that perhaps women are born with a cooking gene until I remembered that the majority of famous cooks in the world—who are given the fancy title of “chef”—are men. ”””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM SITE/ INTERNET)
I will backed it up with a powerful statement made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned/talk on “””” culture integrated with appearance (make up) “””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/karenhua/2016/10/21/the-cultural-importance-of-chimamanda-ngozi-adichies-boots-beauty-campaign/amp/
Here is her speech:
“”” Our culture teaches us that to be taken seriously, women should not care too much about their appearance. So I stopped wearing makeup and became a false version of myself,” Adichie said. “But then I woke up because makeup doesn’t actually mean anything. It’s about how I feel when I get it right—what makes me walk ever so taller. It’s about the face I choose to show the world and what I choose to say. ”””

REFERENCE 5 (FROM SITE/ INTERNET-TALK)
I will backed it up with a powerful ted talk made by FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE where she mentioned/talk on “””” culture integrated with single story””””
For further reading here is the link to convince you.
https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/transcript?language=en
Here is her speech:
00:12
I’m a storyteller. And I would like to tell you a few personal stories about what I like to call “the danger of the single story.” I grew up on a university campus in eastern Nigeria. My mother says that I started reading at the age of two, although I think four is probably close to the truth. So I was an early reader, and what I read were British and American children’s books.

00:39
I was also an early writer, and when I began to write, at about the age of seven, stories in pencil with crayon illustrations that my poor mother was obligated to read, I wrote exactly the kinds of stories I was reading: All my characters were white and blue-eyed, they played in the snow, they ate apples,

01:04
(Laughter)
01:06
And they talked a lot about the weather, how lovely it was that the sun had come out.

01:10
(Laughter)

01:12
Now, this despite the fact that I lived in Nigeria. I had never been outside Nigeria. We didn’t have snow, we ate mangoes, and we never talked about the weather, because there was no need to.

01:26
My characters also drank a lot of ginger beer, because the characters in the British books I read drank ginger beer. Never mind that I had no idea what ginger beer was.

01:36
(Laughter)

01:37
And for many years afterwards, I would have a desperate desire to taste ginger beer. But that is another story.

01:44
What this demonstrates, I think, is how impressionable and vulnerable we are in the face of a story, particularly as children. Because all I had read were books in which characters were foreign, I had become convinced that books by their very nature had to have foreigners in them and had to be about things with which I could not personally identify. Now, things changed when I discovered African books. There weren’t many of them available, and they weren’t quite as easy to find as the foreign books.

02:15
But because of writers like Chinua Achebe and Camara Laye, I went through a mental shift in my perception of literature. I realized that people like me, girls with skin the color of chocolate, whose kinky hair could not form ponytails, could also exist in literature. I started to write about things I recognized.

02:36
Now, I loved those American and British books I read. They stirred my imagination. They opened up new worlds for me. But the unintended consequence was that I did not know that people like me could exist in literature. So what the discovery of African writers did for me was this: It saved me from having a single story of what books are.

02:59
I come from a conventional, middle-class Nigerian family. My father was a professor. My mother was an administrator. And so we had, as was the norm, live-in domestic help, who would often come from nearby rural villages. So, the year I turned eight, we got a new house boy. His name was Fide. The only thing my mother told us about him was that his family was very poor. My mother sent yams and rice, and our old clothes, to his family. And when I didn’t finish my dinner, my mother would say, “Finish your food! Don’t you know? People like Fide’s family have nothing.” So I felt enormous pity for Fide’s family.

03:43
Then one Saturday, we went to his village to visit, and his mother showed us a beautifully patterned basket made of dyed raffia that his brother had made. I was startled. It had not occurred to me that anybody in his family could actually make something. All I had heard about them was how poor they were, so that it had become impossible for me to see them as anything else but poor. Their poverty was my single story of them.

04:13
Years later, I thought about this when I left Nigeria to go to university in the United States. I was 19. My American roommate was shocked by me. She asked where I had learned to speak English so well, and was confused when I said that Nigeria happened to have English as its official language. She asked if she could listen to what she called my “tribal music,” and was consequently very disappointed when I produced my tape of Mariah Carey.

04:42
(Laughter)

04:45
She assumed that I did not know how to use a stove.

04:49
What struck me was this: She had felt sorry for me even before she saw me. Her default position toward me, as an African, was a kind of patronizing, well-meaning pity. My roommate had a single story of Africa: a single story of catastrophe. In this single story, there was no possibility of Africans being similar to her in any way, no possibility of feelings more complex than pity, no possibility of a connection as human equals.

05:21
I must say that before I went to the U.S., I didn’t consciously identify as African. But in the U.S., whenever Africa came up, people turned to me. Never mind that I knew nothing about places like Namibia. But I did come to embrace this new identity, and in many ways I think of myself now as African. Although I still get quite irritable when Africa is referred to as a country, the most recent example being my otherwise wonderful flight from Lagos two days ago, in which there was an announcement on the Virgin flight about the charity work in “India, Africa and other countries.”

05:55
(Laughter)

05:56
So, after I had spent some years in the U.S. as an African, I began to understand my roommate’s response to me. If I had not grown up in Nigeria, and if all I knew about Africa were from popular images, I too would think that Africa was a place of beautiful landscapes, beautiful animals, and incomprehensible people, fighting senseless wars, dying of poverty and AIDS, unable to speak for themselves and waiting to be saved by a kind, white foreigner. I would see Africans in the same way that I, as a child, had seen Fide’s family.

06:35
This single story of Africa ultimately comes, I think, from Western literature. Now, here is a quote from the writing of a London merchant called John Lok, who sailed to west Africa in 1561 and kept a fascinating account of his voyage. After referring to the black Africans as “beasts who have no houses,” he writes, “They are also people without heads, having their mouth and eyes in their breasts.”

07:05
Now, I’ve laughed every time I’ve read this. And one must admire the imagination of John Lok. But what is important about his writing is that it represents the beginning of a tradition of telling African stories in the West: A tradition of Sub-Saharan Africa as a place of negatives, of difference, of darkness, of people who, in the words of the wonderful poet Rudyard Kipling, are “half devil, half child.”

07:32
And so, I began to realize that my American roommate must have throughout her life seen and heard different versions of this single story, as had a professor, who once told me that my novel was not “authentically African.” Now, I was quite willing to contend that there were a number of things wrong with the novel, that it had failed in a number of places, but I had not quite imagined that it had failed at achieving something called African authenticity. In fact, I did not know what African authenticity was. The professor told me that my characters were too much like him, an educated and middle-class man. My characters drove cars. They were not starving. Therefore they were not authentically African.

08:21
But I must quickly add that I too am just as guilty in the question of the single story. A few years ago, I visited Mexico from the U.S. The political climate in the U.S. at the time was tense, and there were debates going on about immigration. And, as often happens in America, immigration became synonymous with Mexicans. There were endless stories of Mexicans as people who were fleecing the healthcare system, sneaking across the border, being arrested at the border, that sort of thing.

08:54
I remember walking around on my first day in Guadalajara, watching the people going to work, rolling up tortillas in the marketplace, smoking, laughing. I remember first feeling slight surprise. And then, I was overwhelmed with shame. I realized that I had been so immersed in the media coverage of Mexicans that they had become one thing in my mind, the abject immigrant. I had bought into the single story of Mexicans and I could not have been more ashamed of myself.

09:26
So that is how to create a single story, show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become.

09:37
It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali.” It’s a noun that loosely translates to “to be greater than another.” Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principle of nkali: How they are told, who tells them, when they’re told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.

10:12
Power is the ability not just to tell the story of another person, but to make it the definitive story of that person. The Palestinian poet Mourid Barghouti writes that if you want to dispossess a people, the simplest way to do it is to tell their story and to start with, “secondly.” Start the story with the arrows of the Native Americans, and not with the arrival of the British, and you have an entirely different story. Start the story with the failure of the African state, and not with the colonial creation of the African state, and you have an entirely different story.

10:52
I recently spoke at a university where a student told me that it was such a shame that Nigerian men were physical abusers like the father character in my novel. I told him that I had just read a novel called “American Psycho” —

11:08
(Laughter)

11:10
— And that it was such a shame that young Americans were serial murderers.

11:15
(Laughter)

11:19
(Applause)

11:25
Now, obviously I said this in a fit of mild irritation.

11:28
(Laughter)

11:30
But it would never have occurred to me to think that just because I had read a novel in which a character was a serial killer that he was somehow representative of all Americans. This is not because I am a better person than that student, but because of America’s cultural and economic power, I had many stories of America. I had read Tyler and Updike and Steinbeck and Gaitskill. I did not have a single story of America.

11:55
When I learned, some years ago, that writers were expected to have had really unhappy childhoods to be successful, I began to think about how I could invent horrible things my parents had done to me.

12:08
(Laughter)

12:10
But the truth is that I had a very happy childhood, full of laughter and love, in a very close-knit family.

12:17
But I also had grandfathers who died in refugee camps. My cousin Polle died because he could not get adequate healthcare. One of my closest friends, Okoloma, died in a plane crash because our fire trucks did not have water. I grew up under repressive military governments that devalued education, so that sometimes, my parents were not paid their salaries. And so, as a child, I saw jam disappear from the breakfast table, then margarine disappeared, then bread became too expensive, then milk became rationed. And most of all, a kind of normalized political fear invaded our lives.

12:57
All of these stories make me who I am. But to insist on only these negative stories is to flatten my experience and to overlook the many other stories that formed me. The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.

13:25
Of course, Africa is a continent full of catastrophes: There are immense ones, such as the horrific rapes in Congo and depressing ones, such as the fact that 5,000 people apply for one job vacancy in Nigeria. But there are other stories that are not about catastrophe, and it is very important, it is just as important, to talk about them.

13:45
I’ve always felt that it is impossible to engage properly with a place or a person without engaging with all of the stories of that place and that person. The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar.

14:09
So what if before my Mexican trip, I had followed the immigration debate from both sides, the U.S. and the Mexican? What if my mother had told us that Fide’s family was poor and hardworking? What if we had an African television network that broadcast diverse African stories all over the world? What the Nigerian writer Chinua Achebe calls “a balance of stories.”

14:33
What if my roommate knew about my Nigerian publisher, Muhtar Bakare, a remarkable man who left his job in a bank to follow his dream and start a publishing house? Now, the conventional wisdom was that Nigerians don’t read literature. He disagreed. He felt that people who could read, would read, if you made literature affordable and available to them.

14:56
Shortly after he published my first novel, I went to a TV station in Lagos to do an interview, and a woman who worked there as a messenger came up to me and said, “I really liked your novel. I didn’t like the ending. Now, you must write a sequel, and this is what will happen …”

15:11
(Laughter)

15:14
And she went on to tell me what to write in the sequel. I was not only charmed, I was very moved. Here was a woman, part of the ordinary masses of Nigerians, who were not supposed to be readers. She had not only read the book, but she had taken ownership of it and felt justified in telling me what to write in the sequel.

15:33
Now, what if my roommate knew about my friend Funmi Iyanda, a fearless woman who hosts a TV show in Lagos, and is determined to tell the stories that we prefer to forget? What if my roommate knew about the heart procedure that was performed in the Lagos hospital last week? What if my roommate knew about contemporary Nigerian music, talented people singing in English and Pidgin, and Igbo and Yoruba and Ijo, mixing influences from Jay-Z to Fela to Bob Marley to their grandfathers.

16:06
What if my roommate knew about the female lawyer who recently went to court in Nigeria to challenge a ridiculous law that required women to get their husband’s consent before renewing their passports? What if my roommate knew about Nollywood, full of innovative people making films despite great technical odds, films so popular that they really are the best example of Nigerians consuming what they produce? What if my roommate knew about my wonderfully ambitious hair braider, who has just started her own business selling hair extensions? Or about the millions of other Nigerians who start businesses and sometimes fail, but continue to nurse ambition?

16:47
Every time I am home I am confronted with the usual sources of irritation for most Nigerians: our failed infrastructure, our failed government, but also by the incredible resilience of people who thrive despite the government, rather than because of it. I teach writing workshops in Lagos every summer, and it is amazing to me how many people apply, how many people are eager to write, to tell stories.

17:14
My Nigerian publisher and I have just started a non-profit called Farafina Trust, and we have big dreams of building libraries and refurbishing libraries that already exist and providing books for state schools that don’t have anything in their libraries, and also of organizing lots and lots of workshops, in reading and writing, for all the people who are eager to tell our many stories.

17:36
Stories matter. Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity.

17:56
The American writer Alice Walker wrote this about her Southern relatives who had moved to the North. She introduced them to a book about the Southern life that they had left behind. “They sat around, reading the book themselves, listening to me read the book, and a kind of paradise was regained.”

18:17
I would like to end with this thought: That when we reject the single story, when we realize that there is never a single story about any place, we regain a kind of paradise.

18:30
Thank you.

18:31
(Applause)

NINTH PROVE
(THE PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM INTERNALIZE AND SOCIALIZE THE USE OF SILENCING AS A TOOL TO THEIR VICTIM ESPECIALLY WOMEN)


Silencing is a patriarchal weapon of control that is used by the dominant male structure on the subordinate or muted female structure. The patriarchal aspect of silencing is used on women who lacks self-confidence and only speaks in low tones as a result of years of abuse, subjection and subjugation.

I will site my example in reference to marriage, if she so much confined to her marriage that the husband uses the idea of “the patriarchal system using silencing as a tool” to control her emotional and her inability to leave the marriage, she prefer to condole the maltreatment from her husband than leaving. Her silence also affect her and the children.

Most women who also finds security (money) in the concept of marriage despite the pain, abuse and maltreatment that come with the kind of marriage she is in. In her mind, she is fortunate to be the one officially carrying her husband last name and to be the mother of her husband children.
Most women refuse to leave such an abusive husband and begins to normalize the abuse by keeping silent (the patriarchal system using silencing as a tool”) and justifying his violent behaviour.

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the fourteenth Suggestion
———- In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints. Saintliness is not a prerequisite for dignity. People who are unkind and dishonest are still human, and still deserve dignity. Property rights for rural Nigerian women, for example, is a major feminist issue, and the women do not need to be good and angelic to be allowed their property rights.

There is sometimes, in the discourse around gender, the assumption that women are supposed to be morally ‘better’ than men. They are not. Women are as human as men are. Female goodness is as normal as female evil.

And there are many women in the world who do not like other women. Female misogyny exists, and to evade acknowledging it is to create unnecessary opportunities for anti-feminists to try to discredit feminism. I mean the sort of anti-feminists who will gleefully raise examples
of women saying ‘I am not a feminist’ as though a person born with a vagina making this
statement somehow automatically discredits feminism.

That a woman claims not to be feminist does not diminish the necessity of feminism. If anything, it makes us see the extent of the problem, the successful reach of patriarchy. It shows us, too, that not all women are feminists and not all men are misogynists. ———-

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the third Suggestion
———- A young Nigerian woman once told me that she had for years behaved ‘like a boy’ – she liked football and was bored by dresses – until her mother forced her to stop her ‘boyish’ interests. Now she is grateful to her mother for helping her start behaving like a girl. The story made me sad. I wondered what parts of herself she had needed to silence and stifle, and I wondered about what her spirit had lost, because what she called ‘behaving like a boy’ was simply behaving like herself.

Another acquaintance, an American living in the Pacific Northwest, once told me that when she took her one-year-old son to a baby playgroup, where babies had been brought by their mothers, she noticed that the mothers of baby girls were very restraining, constantly telling the girls ‘don’t touch’ or ‘stop and be nice’, and she noticed that the baby boys were encouraged to explore more and were not restrained as much and were almost never told to ‘be nice’.

Her theory was that parents unconsciously start very early to teach girls how to be, that baby girls are given less room and more rules and baby boys more room and fewer rules. ———-

REFERENCE 3 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
——– We police girls. We praise girls for virginity but we don’t praise boys for virginity (and it makes me wonder how exactly this is supposed to work out, since the loss of virginity is a process that usually involves two people of opposite genders).
Recently a young woman was gang raped in a university in Nigeria, and the response of many young Nigerians, both male and female, was something like this: yes, rape is wrong, but what is a girl doing in a room with four boys? Let us, if we can, forget the horrible inhumanity of that response. These Nigerians have been raised to think of women as inherently guilty. And they have been raised to expect so little of men that the idea of men as savage beings with no self-control is somehow acceptable.

We teach girls shame. Close your legs. Cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. Who silence themselves. Who cannot say what they truly think. Who have turned pretence into an art form. ———-

REFERENCE 4 (FROM BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

REFERENCE 5 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“”””” When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. “”””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
“””””” We teach girls shame. We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. Who silence themselves. Who cannot say what they truly think. Who have turned pretence into an art form. “”””””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)
According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””
FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:
From the eighth Suggestion
“””””” Encourage her to speak her mind, to say what she really thinks, to speak truthfully. And then praise her when she does. Praise her especially when she takes a stand that is difficult or unpopular because it happens to be her honest position. Tell her that if anything ever makes her uncomfortable, to speak up, to say it, to shout. “”””””

QUESTIONS FOR MY READERS
I will like to ask a simple question for my fellow readers and viewers.
What is your own views and contributions of this article?

Should there be gender segregation, gender differences, and gender stereotype and gender behaviour in secondary schools?

Do you agree the society perception about gender role designated to male and female is wrong or right?

In your own environment, is there any existence of domestic violence?

Do you agree with all the social norms and conventions in your society?

Are you ok with the society preference of male over females (son bias)?

Please let me know all your reactions, views and insights in the comment box below!

Written by:
Kogwuonye Patrick Onyeka
Writer/Blogger/Educator/Tutor
University of Benin
http://www.facebook.com/patrickstories
http://www.facebook.com/feminisminnigeriaenvironment

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